I think we made a mistake

[sharkdive1]

Night one with a 4-month old, untrained rescue pup. It’s 1.30am and we’ve had to clean the crate out because she pooped and managed to cover herself and her bedding. I can’t leave her side else she starts howling.

Did I mention I have three kids? Youngest is 8 weeks. I’m just praying he sleeps through the night so I don’t have to leave the dog.

What on earth were we thinking… I know exactly how much hard work a pup is. I didn’t romantise it, I have only ever had dogs through my mum who ended up surrendering them shortly after getting them. I knew it would be tough but, I didn’t expect to feel so doggone overwhelmed by the enormity of it.

I keep having waves of complete anxiety and regret. One moment I’m thinking, oh I’ll just be really consistent with training and it’ll be fine? And next I’m having a flashback to me sitting in a chair feeding my baby while the dog is running after my 19 month old who has pizza in his hand. I’ve been crying since we went to bed, she lasted 20 min in her crate before soiling everywhere and it ruined the dog bed I bought her.

What happens when my baby is crawling? Learning to walk? Where does the dog go? She’s already quite large, and we don’t have enough space in our house for a decent penned play area for my baby. What happens when everyone has gastro? Or the baby is cluster feeding? Or I’ve been up all night between children and want to nap during the day? Or I have a dentist appointment I can’t go to because she still can’t be alone? I struggle being needed 24/7, my mental health takes a serious nosedive when I can’t do anything other than look after people (or pets).

My husband is the dog person of the family, he grew up with them and so wants our kids to have the same experience. Ironically so, because the dog is basically stuck to my hip. Won’t go anywhere with him willingly but heeds my direction straight away.

I love the idea of doggy play dates with her sister across the road. Having a dog that the kids can throw balls for. But I’d be happy without them, it’s really my husbands dream to have a dog. I mean, maybe I’d like something small and fluffy in the future, but we have a staff x Neapolitan x beardie x mastiff.

He has said he’ll return pup to the centre tomorrow morning. Part of me feels relieved. Part of me feels heartbroken and like I don’t want him to. What do I do?

 

[swissmon87]

@sharkdive1 I was going to come in and tell you that the first few weeks are the hardest and that once you get through that, and get your routines in place, you can reevaluate. And to take some breaks from the puppy for a little while to regroup.

Then I read that you have an 8 week old and 19 month old child (and another one age unknown). If I were in your shoes I would return the puppy to the centre. It seems like you are setting yourself up for failure (or at least a lot of difficulty and stress). I’m honestly surprised the centre was in board with you adopting the puppy when you have a newborn.

If you really want the kids to grow up with a dog maybe you can do some research and then adopt a slightly older dog when the timing is better.

 

[marcyhoney]

@swissmon87 yeah my jaw dropped when i read OP has a toddler AND a newborn. i thought I was crazy for adopting a puppy with a nearly 5 year old and a nearly 2 year old, and they both sleep through the night. can’t imagine adding a newborn to the mix.

it’ll be okay, OP, give this puppy back and reconsider it when your littlest kiddo is a bit more self sufficient.

 

[sharkdive1]

@swissmon87 They said it was fine seeing as I have multiple kids, and they wouldn’t have considered it if it was my first. Maybe proof I’m able to keep things alive? Lol

Edit: said in jest. I’m still a mess trying to figure out how to go about this. I think giving her back is the best idea in the long run, but I feel truly truly awful. I did the research, we have all the stuff, I started training her today. I feel like I was ready as I could be. It just is so incredibly overwhelming and I thought I’d be ok.

 

[alektra]

@sharkdive1 Save the stuff, I bet you’ll be ready in a couple years, or at least you’ll know whether you have capacity for three kids plus dog. It’s heart wrenching, but the sooner you do it the less disruptive it will be for everyone.

 

[jstfrths]

@sharkdive1 Your husband is the one who wants a dog but the burden is on you! Can't imagine toddlers, new born and puppy, honestly sounds like a special circle of hell. This is not your season for a puppy.

 

[alektra]

@sharkdive1 Dear god, an 8 week old? Gurl don’t feel bad, return this pup, it’s too much!

 

[spartygirl95]

@alektra Do feel bad but still return the pup. You can have nuance. Complex feelings are a thing.

 

[kaybird]

@sharkdive1 8 week old AND 19mo old? Keep your sanity, return the dog. Not the time if the puppy is soiling in the kennel, that is difficult to train because most dogs won’t in their kennel no matter the age. Separation anxiety at 4mo already is also hard and it’ll be way worse if you AND the littles aren’t getting proper sleep.

If you want to keep the pups, I’d look into a boarding training route. It’s a lot of money, but they keep your dog for X amount of time and do all the work, then you just have to maintain it. Otherwise, now isn’t the time for a dog, especially a puppy. There are older dogs to rescue that can fit your needs naturally too.

 

[alektra]

@kaybird And the dog is a mastIFF MIX

 

[jthree]

@sharkdive1 Omg, I mean this in the absolute nicest, and not judgemental way, but: what WERE you thinking? Genuinely, what were the deciding factors for you to get a puppy? Are they things you can work with, things that are a net gain for everyone?

I dunno, is this a coping mechanism for something? Like coping with the stress of three kids by hyperfocusing on a new dog as to not deal with the actual feelings of the change in family dynamic?

I'm usually a "we have a kindergartener and a puppy, and it was hell but we're so happy now" kind of responder, but holy moly, it was just one kid and one dog. I would start fraying from the inside for 3 kids and a puppy. But I do NOT thrive under stress. Some people love it, and if that's you, I'm sure you can make it work somehow. If your husband wants to tether the dog to himself, that's probably the best case scenario.

Sometimes it's just an impulsive, wrong dog, wrong time situation, and that would be painful to realize and follow through on returning. However, your physical and mental health needs to come first when you are the one pouring and pouring and pouring from your own cup without any chance to fill it in between.

 

[sharkdive1]

@jthree Our very good friends across the road adopted her sister and it got hubby and I talk about how much he loved having dogs as a kid, and how having one now would mean that they could grow up alongside the kids and be besties. It would mean we were keeping the sister’s together too.

We opted for puppy because then we knew bad habits weren’t already trained, and with the right consistency with our training they would end up being great around the kids.

It may have been naive, but the decision came from the best of intentions. I’ve been coping surprisingly well with three kids so I thought I would be okay.

 

[thesecularhumanist]

@sharkdive1 I've been here! And, honestly, that relief is telling you something!

It doesn't make you a bad person if you return the puppy, if anything it gives them another chance to find the right home while they're young!

It just means, that right now isn't the right time - it doesn't mean the right time won't ever come! Young kids and puppies are hard!

 

[sharkdive1]

@thesecularhumanist As in, you also had to take a dog back? I don’t think I’ve ever heard stories of people actually doing that, only persevering and being so grateful for it.

 

[ellie1142545]

@sharkdive1 I said this the other day on another thread but think it’s worth repeating: i recently became an empty nester. I had 3 kids before the age of 20. I have somehow raised them and they’re all in college. I have a very close bond with them all so I feel like I did a good job raising them. One of my son’s friends bought a puppy and has a 2 year old toddler and loved the idea of them growing up together. She lasted 3 days before she just couldn’t do it. I’ve never had a puppy before and thought this would be perfect timing for me. I have no idea how people with young kids raise a puppy. I have said to my friends so many times: raising kids was so much easier. Maybe the years has made me have rose colored glasses but holy moses, it’s hard! My son’s friend was devastated that she couldn’t handle it but we promised to keep her updated as he grows. Maybe there is someone you know who is in a better position to raise the puppy and you can watch him grow up and see how that was the right decision. If not, just know someone who is an empty nester and has a lot of time to put in the effort into raising a puppy, still struggles. (I had no idea!!) Maybe when they all start school you can reevaluate. Raising 3 young kids is a lot in itself; adding a puppy: insanity

 

[ftacky]

@sharkdive1 I love my hell-puppy so much!!!! And I was only able to adopt her because someone in a position very similar to yours realized she was more than they could handle and gave her up while she was still a baby. She was with them for about a week, then we got her at 10 wks old, and now she's almost a year! She has such a great life with us and our other dog. She even made friends with the cats!

Giving up a dog is an incredibly hard choice, but puppies have a much easier time finding new homes than adults or even adolescents. If you can't be your dog's forever home, the best thing you can do for her is to help her find that forever home while she's still a baby!

Edit: I love my pup, but she is a HANDFUL. If I had been in the position of her first owner, I probably would have had to give her up too.

 

[thesecularhumanist]

@sharkdive1 We still have ours, he's 2 now, and honestly, I wish I had taken him back at that first moment of regret. We have a nearly 3YO little one who was one when we got our puppy.

We didn't take him back and tried the whole we can do this (we got him at 8 weeks).

I love him, I really do but I am also very aware he needs more than we can give between the toddler and general life.

We are lucky in that, close friends are in the perfect position for him to be rehomed (no kids or plans of kids, one at home constantly and a family of dog lovers to support them when needed), so we are in the process of each getting to know each other, but I feel horribly guilty leaving it so long both for the dog and my little boy - neither of them get the full attention they need when both are together.

Id grown up with dogs too, and thought it would be great, but I wish I had waited until both kids were atleast 5/6

 

[easyoked]

@sharkdive1 I've taken a puppy back. It was to a breeder, so slightly different than a rescue situation (I had paid quite a lot more than an adoption fee, and didn't ask for any of it back.) But any place, breeder or rescue, will be glad you're making the responsible decision and surrendering the puppy. It sucks, it'll make you feel ashamed, and you'll both be better off for it.

 

[earlene]

@sharkdive1 a lot of people rehome dogs! search reddit, you’re not alone. I’m currently in the process of rehoming a dog through a rescue. I initially felt super bad but I know the dog is going to find a great home.

 

[larrybjr10]

@sharkdive1 We rehomed a 12 month old dog last year that I raised from a puppy. A behavioral problem became too big for me to handle with 3 kids at home. If it had just been me and my husband, we could have muzzled her and maybe gotten through it. But with 3 kids under 10 there was just no way. She got rehomed by the breeder immediately.