Hello. This is long and rambling and nobody is obligated to read it. I adopted an 8 week old puppy, and two years later she was euthanized for severe separation anxiety and growing aggression, and now I feel like I have dog PTSD and don’t know had to interact with my new dog.
I know some people will be judgemental but I want you to know that nobody chooses euthanasia for behavior lightly, and I know it’s controversial, but I never thought I’d end up there either. Raising her was traumatic for me. Existing was traumatic for her. I hate to sound overdramatic, but every second of every day was centric to my dog in a life or death way. I became a prisoner in my home for her own safety, and then eventually, a prisoner of one room of my home, and now it was for the safety of the other dog in the home, and then later, other peoples safety.
She had really severe separation anxiety from the start, and I was the only person she felt safe around. It began with her pacing, panting, vomiting, whining, shaking, and howling within seconds of me being not in eyesight, even with others present. She would never stop, could not be distracted. This never improved. She never grew to like my parents. For example in the early days if I showered she slammed against the door and bit and scratched at it until she’d bleed unless physically kept back, until I returned. She wouldn’t eat or sleep if I was out of sight. Just bark, bite, howl, destroy, hurt herself, attempt to break through any barricades, and bite anyone keeping her from destroying exit points until I was back. I’d had puppies before and this was pretty extreme. She could not be distracted or soothed by even the most tasty food.
Two weeks after I brought her home I began working with the first trainer, who recommended crate training. It was a disaster, but they insisted determination was key. I was told to start next to the crate and move away periodically while under her anxiety threshold. So enters the period of months I slept on the floor next to the crate, and she’d take 3 hours to settle even then, and I would sneak into bed silently if she slept, but she’d wake up and we’d repeat this process, in 5 hour cycles every night, where I slept maybe 90 minutes total. Then she learned to break out of the crate. She’d batter at it prying it open, cutting herself in the process, damaging her teeth, breaking open her paws. I tried a different crate, where she didn’t brake it, but hurt herself instead. And it could become a bloodbath FAST. I stopped seeing that trainer.
The third month I worked with a new trainer who speciailzed in SA. We decided she also seemed to have confinement anxiety and scrapped the crate, tried new methods. I worked with a behavioral vet in another state. By the fourth month we started adding medications. We tried several, at varying doses in various amounts. I spent hours on zoom calls building up to periodic absences.
By “periodic” I mean, really damn small. She got over threshold by me standing up, or moving around a corner, so we started with interior doors. Moving around the room. Or standing up and sitting down. Or jingling my keys then relaxing. Or putting on my shoes and taking them off. This seemed to backfire. She interpreted anything and everything as a cue of me leaving. And now she’d bite my hands when I tried to tie my shoes, or bite my hands when I went for my keys, block doors, and so on. Next she began reacting aggressively towards the other dog in the home, first occasionally, then consistently, so then began the “gate/rotate” process, which is hard when one needed constant supervision and was a panic mode escape artist extraordinaire.
She didn’t like my parents, or strangers. So we worked on that too- bonding, spreading love. avoiding and identifying her triggers. And it didn’t stop the snaps from escalating to bites, and there was usually no warning. She would just snap.
I’d been candid with her dog daycare about her history and she’d always had fun and been okay there, but then, one day, she wasn’t. So then she was no longer allowed to go to there, because she was too aggressive with other dogs, and when separated, she was a risk to herself.
I am a homebody but the stress of not being able to go to the mailbox without her trying to break through a window is hard to let go of or sustain. And she did that too, broke through a glass door. She could shred a wooden door in a half hour. It was very isolating. She had no concept of her own safety. Eventually it became clear she was regressing, not improving.
She lived in a constant anxious state waiting for cues of me leaving. And she took a lot of that anxiety and frustration out in snaps, and sudden bursts of unexpected rage with no warning. And one time it was really bad.
I won’t keep going on and on but by the time she was almost two years old, I had worked with eight specialists including one recommended by a world renowned specialist, did a Be Right Back course, did agility, obedience, miles long walks daily, spent my entire savings account on behavioral vet sessions and daycare and dog walkers and sitters and other interventions from vests to cbd to soothing scented dog toys to hay in the crate and so on. She also tried a long list and combination of medications (I believe we tried 5 over 2 years, including eventually daily tranquilizers). They had little to no effect.
Neither did the hours and hours and hours of “door is a bore” sessions and systematic desensitization, and despite the fact that she was living in a “no alone time home” between my family and I, our neighbors filed complaints, and still, at her heavily medicated best, after those almost 2 years, she could be left alone for no more than nine minutes with me in the house but in a separate room, she could be left alone four minutes with me sitting outside the front door; and if she heard the car door open, it went to back down zero minutes. If I left her above her panic threshold she would cause property damage that also extensively hurt her. I couldn’t take her to daycare, couldn’t leave her with family, couldn’t let her free roam the house because she’d lash out at anyone and anything at anytime. She dictated my every move. Could I get coverage long enough for groceries? Was going to a party for 2 hours worth her regression for 2 weeks? My life became very small, and she was the center of my orbit. I don’t mean to sound awful but that is unsustainable. It’s prolonged isolation and walking on eggshells. Would I touch her the wrong way? Is she sleeping deep enough I can get the laundry?
The final straw was that she knew how to open the front door, and while I was at the store and my mom left her unattended to go yo the bathroom, she let herself outside and attacker their dog, badly. And later that night snapped at my mom and hurt her too, in a bad way, for walking near me. I think that was the final thing…. as her fear grew, so did her aggression, toward people and animals. And then resource guarding. It just kept growing into new things. She bit me to stop he from getting dressed. She’d scale the 5 ft fence and stalk neighbors dogs. And then her fears spread. Now it was car rides, and shadows, and wind, and dancing, and singing were scary. I tried my best. It wasn’t enough. Maybe nothing could have been. My final behavioral vet and my family vet agreed she was one of the worst cases they had seen, and the fact she was so profoundly distressed within the home and from such a young age with so little progress, she was put to sleep, almost a year ago now.
I truly can’t describe how much I loved her, how much I wanted to help her, and how painful it is when your best and all the love in the world isn’t enough to make an animal feel safe, and it isn’t enough to help them be safe to have in your home. After she hurt the other dog, and a family member got the first bad bite, it became evident it was not safe for her, nor anyone else, for her to keep suffering as she was.
In the end, it came down to the fact that even in my home, when I had tried the medications and behavioral vets and diligently practiced desensitization and counter conditioning, avoided triggers, and legitimately never left her alone or without a babysitter except to practice desensitization, my dog was getting worse, not better.
Both of us had an abysmal quality of life. It was the hardest choice I’ve ever made. I’ve never really had the chance to talk about it, or any of this, because I fear what people think. But o also think that there is unfair shame placed on people who rehome or have to put dogs to sleep for issues like this. Sometimes I think this is a kindness.
As per recent times, I just adopted an eight year old senior dog 20 days ago. Mostly it’s been wonderful but... now I feel like I don’t know how to be a normal dog owner if that makes any sense. Before I had a dog that hurt herself and others, I never had this hypervigilance with pets.
For example, the first week, my new dog L, did great, but on Sunday/Monday she paced downstairs and hid from my family whenever they entered the room. I panicked thinking I am dealing with SA again. (I’ve since implemented more consistent daily alone time and she’s no longer anxious when I’m not around. Chicken bonding won her over via my parents.) Or sometimes L will growl at my parents dog, and I get a fear that this is the first of it, or L will lunge after her, and I think “she’s reactive, it’s happening again”, except L just wanted to sniff her butt and lick her. Or the other night I went to pick up a pizza and L went out of sight of the dog camera and I had my first full blown panic attack in months because I was mortified I’d come back to find my parents dog fatally injured or L wounded or the house torn apart, despite leaving them in separate spaces, neither dog being aggressive, or ever escaping barriers, and - shocker - when I got home, they were both sleeping in their respective beds. But I’m still here panicking thinking “Is that hard stare playful or the first strike? Etc.” And I have a Furbo and worry if I am not watching her, something bad will happen.
I didn’t expect this kind of reaction from myself. It’s clearly a lot of anxiety, and I hope this doesn’t come across as insesntive because I am a trauma survivor as well, but I feel I’m having similar responses, like abreactions, inappropriate emotions, flashbacks, catastrophe thinking and so on. And the biggest issue is, L isn’t even doing anything but being a normal dog in a new home - it’s me having anxiety meltdowns over her normal behaviors.
To some extent I feel like the constant attentiveness I needed and learned to take care of my SA dog, while helpful then, is something I need to be careful to unlearn now, because I don’t need to watch this dog 24/7. Frankly, she does better when I dont.
And even that has been hard to sit with. In four days, L went from “pacing for hours” to “snoozing in bed and not even looking up when I come back”, and it just solidifies that I gave P everything I had, but some hurts are too large for me to heal, and hers was one of them.
I guess I was just wondering if anyone else had a rough time adjusting to getting a new dog after BE? It’s also brought up a lot of guilt, like did I somehow do this to P, and am I causing behavioral distress in my new dog. It’s just been a lot of unexpected internal tumult. The only struggle I’m really having with my newly adopted dog are these mourning and anxious moments relating to my previous dog. With SA and aggression you have to be so intensely watchful it is hard now for me to feel safe not being that way.
I do have a therapist but it would be nice to hear others who maybe understand this battle of emotion. I try hard to be centered about this but lately I have caught myself crying more and feeling quite nervous. I’m used to having to stare anxiety in the face and then swat it away with logic and patience, but the volume of distress I’ve had is just shocking to me. Does anyone else feel having a dog with issues profound in this way is traumatic? Is it just me? I feel like I have never spoke to anyone who may understand, and even friends are a bit rude about it. I don’t think you understand until you’ve lived it.
Sorry for the novel and thank you for listening. Even if nobody gets this far it felt good to have a forum for these heavy thoughts.
I know some people will be judgemental but I want you to know that nobody chooses euthanasia for behavior lightly, and I know it’s controversial, but I never thought I’d end up there either. Raising her was traumatic for me. Existing was traumatic for her. I hate to sound overdramatic, but every second of every day was centric to my dog in a life or death way. I became a prisoner in my home for her own safety, and then eventually, a prisoner of one room of my home, and now it was for the safety of the other dog in the home, and then later, other peoples safety.
She had really severe separation anxiety from the start, and I was the only person she felt safe around. It began with her pacing, panting, vomiting, whining, shaking, and howling within seconds of me being not in eyesight, even with others present. She would never stop, could not be distracted. This never improved. She never grew to like my parents. For example in the early days if I showered she slammed against the door and bit and scratched at it until she’d bleed unless physically kept back, until I returned. She wouldn’t eat or sleep if I was out of sight. Just bark, bite, howl, destroy, hurt herself, attempt to break through any barricades, and bite anyone keeping her from destroying exit points until I was back. I’d had puppies before and this was pretty extreme. She could not be distracted or soothed by even the most tasty food.
Two weeks after I brought her home I began working with the first trainer, who recommended crate training. It was a disaster, but they insisted determination was key. I was told to start next to the crate and move away periodically while under her anxiety threshold. So enters the period of months I slept on the floor next to the crate, and she’d take 3 hours to settle even then, and I would sneak into bed silently if she slept, but she’d wake up and we’d repeat this process, in 5 hour cycles every night, where I slept maybe 90 minutes total. Then she learned to break out of the crate. She’d batter at it prying it open, cutting herself in the process, damaging her teeth, breaking open her paws. I tried a different crate, where she didn’t brake it, but hurt herself instead. And it could become a bloodbath FAST. I stopped seeing that trainer.
The third month I worked with a new trainer who speciailzed in SA. We decided she also seemed to have confinement anxiety and scrapped the crate, tried new methods. I worked with a behavioral vet in another state. By the fourth month we started adding medications. We tried several, at varying doses in various amounts. I spent hours on zoom calls building up to periodic absences.
By “periodic” I mean, really damn small. She got over threshold by me standing up, or moving around a corner, so we started with interior doors. Moving around the room. Or standing up and sitting down. Or jingling my keys then relaxing. Or putting on my shoes and taking them off. This seemed to backfire. She interpreted anything and everything as a cue of me leaving. And now she’d bite my hands when I tried to tie my shoes, or bite my hands when I went for my keys, block doors, and so on. Next she began reacting aggressively towards the other dog in the home, first occasionally, then consistently, so then began the “gate/rotate” process, which is hard when one needed constant supervision and was a panic mode escape artist extraordinaire.
She didn’t like my parents, or strangers. So we worked on that too- bonding, spreading love. avoiding and identifying her triggers. And it didn’t stop the snaps from escalating to bites, and there was usually no warning. She would just snap.
I’d been candid with her dog daycare about her history and she’d always had fun and been okay there, but then, one day, she wasn’t. So then she was no longer allowed to go to there, because she was too aggressive with other dogs, and when separated, she was a risk to herself.
I am a homebody but the stress of not being able to go to the mailbox without her trying to break through a window is hard to let go of or sustain. And she did that too, broke through a glass door. She could shred a wooden door in a half hour. It was very isolating. She had no concept of her own safety. Eventually it became clear she was regressing, not improving.
She lived in a constant anxious state waiting for cues of me leaving. And she took a lot of that anxiety and frustration out in snaps, and sudden bursts of unexpected rage with no warning. And one time it was really bad.
I won’t keep going on and on but by the time she was almost two years old, I had worked with eight specialists including one recommended by a world renowned specialist, did a Be Right Back course, did agility, obedience, miles long walks daily, spent my entire savings account on behavioral vet sessions and daycare and dog walkers and sitters and other interventions from vests to cbd to soothing scented dog toys to hay in the crate and so on. She also tried a long list and combination of medications (I believe we tried 5 over 2 years, including eventually daily tranquilizers). They had little to no effect.
Neither did the hours and hours and hours of “door is a bore” sessions and systematic desensitization, and despite the fact that she was living in a “no alone time home” between my family and I, our neighbors filed complaints, and still, at her heavily medicated best, after those almost 2 years, she could be left alone for no more than nine minutes with me in the house but in a separate room, she could be left alone four minutes with me sitting outside the front door; and if she heard the car door open, it went to back down zero minutes. If I left her above her panic threshold she would cause property damage that also extensively hurt her. I couldn’t take her to daycare, couldn’t leave her with family, couldn’t let her free roam the house because she’d lash out at anyone and anything at anytime. She dictated my every move. Could I get coverage long enough for groceries? Was going to a party for 2 hours worth her regression for 2 weeks? My life became very small, and she was the center of my orbit. I don’t mean to sound awful but that is unsustainable. It’s prolonged isolation and walking on eggshells. Would I touch her the wrong way? Is she sleeping deep enough I can get the laundry?
The final straw was that she knew how to open the front door, and while I was at the store and my mom left her unattended to go yo the bathroom, she let herself outside and attacker their dog, badly. And later that night snapped at my mom and hurt her too, in a bad way, for walking near me. I think that was the final thing…. as her fear grew, so did her aggression, toward people and animals. And then resource guarding. It just kept growing into new things. She bit me to stop he from getting dressed. She’d scale the 5 ft fence and stalk neighbors dogs. And then her fears spread. Now it was car rides, and shadows, and wind, and dancing, and singing were scary. I tried my best. It wasn’t enough. Maybe nothing could have been. My final behavioral vet and my family vet agreed she was one of the worst cases they had seen, and the fact she was so profoundly distressed within the home and from such a young age with so little progress, she was put to sleep, almost a year ago now.
I truly can’t describe how much I loved her, how much I wanted to help her, and how painful it is when your best and all the love in the world isn’t enough to make an animal feel safe, and it isn’t enough to help them be safe to have in your home. After she hurt the other dog, and a family member got the first bad bite, it became evident it was not safe for her, nor anyone else, for her to keep suffering as she was.
In the end, it came down to the fact that even in my home, when I had tried the medications and behavioral vets and diligently practiced desensitization and counter conditioning, avoided triggers, and legitimately never left her alone or without a babysitter except to practice desensitization, my dog was getting worse, not better.
Both of us had an abysmal quality of life. It was the hardest choice I’ve ever made. I’ve never really had the chance to talk about it, or any of this, because I fear what people think. But o also think that there is unfair shame placed on people who rehome or have to put dogs to sleep for issues like this. Sometimes I think this is a kindness.
As per recent times, I just adopted an eight year old senior dog 20 days ago. Mostly it’s been wonderful but... now I feel like I don’t know how to be a normal dog owner if that makes any sense. Before I had a dog that hurt herself and others, I never had this hypervigilance with pets.
For example, the first week, my new dog L, did great, but on Sunday/Monday she paced downstairs and hid from my family whenever they entered the room. I panicked thinking I am dealing with SA again. (I’ve since implemented more consistent daily alone time and she’s no longer anxious when I’m not around. Chicken bonding won her over via my parents.) Or sometimes L will growl at my parents dog, and I get a fear that this is the first of it, or L will lunge after her, and I think “she’s reactive, it’s happening again”, except L just wanted to sniff her butt and lick her. Or the other night I went to pick up a pizza and L went out of sight of the dog camera and I had my first full blown panic attack in months because I was mortified I’d come back to find my parents dog fatally injured or L wounded or the house torn apart, despite leaving them in separate spaces, neither dog being aggressive, or ever escaping barriers, and - shocker - when I got home, they were both sleeping in their respective beds. But I’m still here panicking thinking “Is that hard stare playful or the first strike? Etc.” And I have a Furbo and worry if I am not watching her, something bad will happen.
I didn’t expect this kind of reaction from myself. It’s clearly a lot of anxiety, and I hope this doesn’t come across as insesntive because I am a trauma survivor as well, but I feel I’m having similar responses, like abreactions, inappropriate emotions, flashbacks, catastrophe thinking and so on. And the biggest issue is, L isn’t even doing anything but being a normal dog in a new home - it’s me having anxiety meltdowns over her normal behaviors.
To some extent I feel like the constant attentiveness I needed and learned to take care of my SA dog, while helpful then, is something I need to be careful to unlearn now, because I don’t need to watch this dog 24/7. Frankly, she does better when I dont.
And even that has been hard to sit with. In four days, L went from “pacing for hours” to “snoozing in bed and not even looking up when I come back”, and it just solidifies that I gave P everything I had, but some hurts are too large for me to heal, and hers was one of them.
I guess I was just wondering if anyone else had a rough time adjusting to getting a new dog after BE? It’s also brought up a lot of guilt, like did I somehow do this to P, and am I causing behavioral distress in my new dog. It’s just been a lot of unexpected internal tumult. The only struggle I’m really having with my newly adopted dog are these mourning and anxious moments relating to my previous dog. With SA and aggression you have to be so intensely watchful it is hard now for me to feel safe not being that way.
I do have a therapist but it would be nice to hear others who maybe understand this battle of emotion. I try hard to be centered about this but lately I have caught myself crying more and feeling quite nervous. I’m used to having to stare anxiety in the face and then swat it away with logic and patience, but the volume of distress I’ve had is just shocking to me. Does anyone else feel having a dog with issues profound in this way is traumatic? Is it just me? I feel like I have never spoke to anyone who may understand, and even friends are a bit rude about it. I don’t think you understand until you’ve lived it.
Sorry for the novel and thank you for listening. Even if nobody gets this far it felt good to have a forum for these heavy thoughts.