Struggling with adjusting to new dog after severe separation anxiety in previous dog leading to B.E

[dphxi]

@joy9 I have a theory that due to inbreeding and modern life and other factors, dogs are becoming prone to mental illness, just like people. We have no way of studying dog "psychiatry", we can't ask them how they are feeling emotionally and mentally, and it would cost far, far too much money to run MRIs and other scans of their brains to look for the same kind of inconsistencies that humans with mental illness have.

My mom's dog had severe dementia at age 16, there's no other way to describe it. He regressed behaviorally, didn't recognize my mother who had had him since 10 weeks, would wander around the house and cry constantly, once he refused to sleep until he literally fell down exhausted, still crying. Physically he was healthy, he ate, he pooped, when he was more "himself" he could even still get the zoomies around the backyard. But my mom made the decision to put him down because his mental state was only getting worse and his quality of life was suffering.

I do believe you did everything you could. I know that there is a movement for responsible breeding in the US, more genetic testing for dogs, and more research into veterinary medicine and dog behavior. I hope that in the future situations like yours can be treated or prevented entirely. You deserved better and please, give yourself some love and forgiveness.

 

[joy9]

@dphxi I would have to agree with your theory although do note I’m wholly basing that on my own experiences.

P was definitely a culmination or a result of many things, but I think her genetics was a big factor. I later learned the litter she was born into was from a backyard breeder - when I adopted P, the woman said her dog “was impregnated by a neighborhood stray”. The mom dog was a young mom and that dog rejected the litter, so the puppies were hand reared. I also learned a year after I adopted her that I was the third home P was placed with when I got her - at 8 weeks old, despite being told I was her first owner. Ridiculous, and criminal. My friend has P’s sister and this dog is also severely reactive and also has SA.

If I’m being completely honest I reported the woman for selling puppies younger than 8 weeks, once I’d learned she did that.

It was perhaps stupid of me to get a puppy from a woman with questionable integrity and background, but at the time, all I knew was she was a “smart and loving and cuddly dog”, which was not a lie, but only part of the picture. And I was of the mentality that with love and training and time, any dog can be saved. It isn’t true. Some dogs, sadly, have their wires crossed.

I don’t know the answer to this situation. It’s tragic for the dogs and the families. In situations like this, everyone suffers.

I am sorry to hear you mom had to make that difficult choice but it sounds very much like she made that choice with compassion and love, no matter the grief that accompanies it.

Sending my best to you both. Thank you for the reply.

 

[marlyn9852]

@joy9 I have no experience to relate to your story, but I just wanted to say you did everything for P. I’m sorry you went through that. It sounds terrifying and exhausting.

 

[joy9]

@marlyn9852 Thank you. She was all at once the most wonderful and challenging dog I’ve ever had.

It wasn’t always horrible. She was the smartest dog I’ve ever met, perhaps too smart. She taught herself to open the front and back door, open cabinets, dispense both water and ice from the fridge door, could turn faucets on and off, could pull open the freezer door, she rang the doorbell when she wanted to come in. She would bring you her bowl when she wanted food. She was eager to please. She gave the best kisses. She was an excited learner, and she was fearless when I was by her side, sometimes to her detriment. She excelled at agility and was the star of her obedience classes. And in rare moments she was goofy, wiggling her butt and rolling in the grass, somehow climbing trees without thumbs. But in many other ways the world was too much for her, and I won’t lie and say it wasn’t exhausting in legitimately every capacity. I loved her through it all, and I miss her a lot, though largely, I feel a sense of peace thinking she’s got relief now.

 

[4jesus1]

@joy9 Come on over to the reactive dogs sub - many of us can empathize with your experiences and emotions. Might want to cross post for more responses/feedback.

 

[bumbledee]

@joy9 I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. You did an incredible amount of work with your SA dog and it shows how much you loved your pup. Your determination is inspiring, and you made the right choice for both you and your dog. She did not deserve to live like that, and neither do you.

I can identify with the trauma you're feeling. My 1.5 YO dog has had SA since I adopted him at 10 weeks (not to the level of yours) and it feels like I'm a prisoner in my own home. I've had lots of ups and downs, and we're still not in a consistent spot. Nobody else truly understands unless they've gone through it. They don't understand the knot in your stomach when you hear your dog start crying as you're leaving, the regressions, the isolation, or why your dog has to control your life. It's incredibly hard, and you're not alone.

I also adopted an 8 YO to help with SA for my pup and I've had similar thoughts as you. I analyze all of her behaviors and jump to conclusions. Give it time, and your new dog will come out of her shell. You have all of the tools in your toolbelt to address anything that comes your way, and are so much stronger than you know.

 

[joy9]

@bumbledee absolutely agree. Working with SA makes you functionally a prisoner of your home. I think the extent of how much you have to revolve your life around an SA dog to keep them safe can be mind boggling to people. My dog controlling my life isn’t because I was a ridiculously overbearing pet owner, it’s because controlling every aspect of her environment was the only thing that kept her, and others, moderately safe.

That sinking pit in the heart when the whines and worrying begins, the social isolation, the unbridled love and unmatched frustration, the hopelessness, the joy at their successes and small improvements and your sorrow at their setbacks… the weighing of value of your every departure, if friends/doctors/family visits are worth her backsliding. The tiptoeing so she won’t notice. The endless repetitive drills. It’s really hard.

It’s also really hard to stop analyzing. I’m a habitual analyzer. Maybe this will be helpful re: jumping to conclusions. My new mantra is “so what?” at the behest of my vet.

They essentially told me, when I took L to get her boosters this past week, that I need to replace my hypervigilance with a “so what?” attitude. They said, more or less, “this dog isn’t P. If she paces when you go upstairs for a few minutes and then settles, so what? If she whines once when you leave, and then falls asleep, so what? If you leave, so what? From necessity you trained yourself to be your dogs security guard. Now you need to train yourself to let this new dog just be a dog. She’s just being a dog again - so what?”

It takes so much courage to keep trying. Sending you and your dogs the best.

 

[patsylee]

@joy9 I had an experience similar to this but with a parrot. Creatures that can live very very long lives. She was wild caught and had been traumatized at human hands over the years and never properly cared for, and she came to the rescue I worked at. I worked with the traumatized birds because I had so many years experience and usually made progress faster than anyone else. This poor bird would panic so badly that she would attack her own body, ripping holes in her skin. During one of those episodes I was helping to administer an injected anti psychotic medication and she broke 3 bones in my hand. I loved that crazy bird so damn much but she was broken beyond anything I’ve seen before or since. Eventually there was no other choice, even living on anti psychotic meds and tranquilizers she was a danger to herself and others. I was the only human who was partially safe and even I was terrified of her because when she snapped there was zero warning. I tell you all that to say… what you feel is completely normal. You are right to be in therapy, and adopting an older well adjusted dog may help. It may not. I have my own birds who have been with me longer than she was which helps me immensely because as screwy as they were when they arrived they are amazing 25 years later, I helped them. I couldn’t help her and it eats at me, which you probably feel deeply. Maybe volunteer, with your extensive experience you could be an amazing helper at a rescue. But maybe not, it might trigger all that fear again. Talk, talk more, and don’t give up on you. Trauma is a bitch but there is another side.

 

[joy9]

@patsylee As an aside, first off, I think it’s so wonderful that you work with rescue birds.

It makes me so incredibly angry that people get animals only to improperly care for and traumatize them. But I am glad there are people like you who lean into healing those animals and demonstrate kindness to them.

It’s a really tough acceptance when your best, and your love, isn’t enough. Realizing and then accepting that P was irrevocably mentally suffering was extremely hard. And it does eat at me. I don’t think I’ll ever love a dog the same way I loved P. I was her entire world.

I am sad you had to experience this, but for your birds sake, and P’s, I am glad they found us and we could give them care until we could give them peace.

My new dog is helping in many ways big and small. Some of the things I learned with P have been very helpful with L, and seeing how effective interventions can be with a dog who is able to receive them has been pretty clarifying. My anxiety is still raging like a cocaine cheetah, but I’ll get there.

I think I would like to volunteer, or I’d like to try to start some SA support network locally. A lot of services to help these dogs are totally inaccessible and if I didn’t have a GoFundMe for P, I don’t know what I’d have done. One month of specialist training was $800, and that was the low end. If I could share my knowledge and resources to help other people help their dogs, I think that would make me really happy and also be healing. All this knowledge may not have been able to help P but if I can use it to help other people I would like to do that.

You seem like a wonderful person. Thank you for everything you did and continue to do.

 

[jwilburn75]

@joy9 I just want to say that you are a good person and I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope your new dog brings you so much joy.

 

[joy9]

@jwilburn75 New dog absolutely is a harbinger of joy. I am very lucky to have her to love.