Dog doesn’t trust/like me nearly 6 months in

[unknown404]

Hi all,

In November of last year my wife and I rescued a dog from a high kill shelter. This came a month after our 18 year old cat passed away. For context, we have 2 other cats still alive(18,16). 

 When we brought her home, she immediately seemed refuge in the crate we got for her which seemed normal since she had been through what was probably a traumatizing few days(surrendered to shelter, trucked 9 hours to our local shelter and same day placed into our home). So we gave her some space and tried to let her settle in for a few days by feeding her right outside the crate, giving her treats and trying to show love from outside her place of comfort. It took her 8 days to feel comfortable enough to poop! 

 A month later she was still spending 99% percent of her time in the crate and wouldn’t come out to spend time with us. So, at that time we decided to get another dog to give her animal companionship and show her that she can trust us and love us. We got a male puppy and he couldn’t be anymore different than her. He is outgoing, loves people and is a happy go lucky goofball who is a pure lover. They get along well now although she loves to steal his bones and play victim lol.

After some acclimation time, something clicked in her head and she started coming out of the crate and spending time with my wife when I was not there. At the time I was just happy she felt comfortable enough with someone to allow them to hold her be somewhat normal.

I should mention, all this while ,she refuses to go to the bathroom outside, as anytime we try to take her out, all she does is try to run away from us and has backed out of the 3 strap harness we got for her. It’s like the ground is lava, yet what she uses to go to bathroom on inside our house is a 2 foot x 2 foot patch of natural grass that we found online. And our other dog has been trained to ring a doorbell when he wants to go outside to use facilities and he has been excellent with that.

Flash forward to present day, and she still wants nothing to do with me. If I am home alone she will stay in her crate until my wife comes home from work. My wife and I have been sleeping in 2 separate bedrooms (one sleeps in our bedroom with our cats, other sleeps in spare bedroom with dogs, we rotate every 4 days) for 2 months and she will sleep with me throughout the night on the bed next to me, but if I move to pet her she runs away and jumps off.

We are able to get her outside for walks but they are short and purely so she can relieve herself and get back to comforts of inside the house. She will still try to run away and back out of harness if we try to deviate at all from the route she wants to take. She has gotten out twice and both times ran to our front porch and waited for whoever was with her to catch up and let her in. She is obsessed with my wife which I am very happy about, but shakes when I get near her. It’s hard to continue to show love with little to zero reciprocation from her nearly 6 months into this. I don’t understand how she can feel comfortable enough to sleep with her body touching mine but shake the second I try to pet her.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can earn her full trust I would greatly appreciate any and all.

Tl;Dr
After 6 months my dog shakes when I try to pet her, but loves my wife, also thinks ground is lava and hates outside.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

 

[jeffp]

@unknown404 We rescued a dog a few years back that was terrified of me (male) and bonded immediately with my daughter. He was an 11 month old GSD mix and we were his 4th home already. Every time I would walk into a room that he was in, he would start to growl...not an aggressive growl but a defensive low growl...like 'ok you are here but don't f*king come closer'. He was over 110 lbs so I really didn't push it. We didn't know his history but figured at some point a male (or more than one) has traumatized him in his prior 11 months..we were his 4th home after all.

It took about a year before I could pet him. Here is what I did: I would never look him in the eye (that would be a challenge to many dogs who are insecure). I never approached him from the front..always by backing up, so he didn't feel threatened. All my motions around him were slow and deliberate (ie: no fast movements, no jumping, hand waving...anything that he could possible perceive as aggressive).

He first started coming to me when I was lying down on the couch and lying down beside me. And it dawned on me why...bc I when lying down I was close to his height and non-threatening. The moment I would stand up, he would run to another room (flight mode).

My suggestion: Be patient and lower your expectations - give the dog time. It sounds like you guys are on the right track. Let her come to you, don't force it. Try to carry around treats in your pockets and if she comes near, give her some without looking at her or trying to pet her. I'm sure you will make progress but they will be small wins at a time, she won't suddenly 'trust' you completely...but one day, while lying on a couch not expecting anything, she will walk over simply and lick your arm - and then it will have all been worth it.

Good luck!

 

[unknown404]

@jeffp

 That makes so much sense, especially the part about lying down. Just this morning I woke up and both dogs were sleeping next to me in bed. While our male was excited to see me awake, and was loving up on me me, she would sniff my hand and give little kisses to it as I pet him, then would withdraw if I went to pet her. This went on for about 10 minutes with me lying down in bed. Went I sat up trying to do same thing she instantly took off. 

 Like you said, I have noticed small victories along the way, but still feel so distanced from the place I would love us to be. Will keep in mind how I approach and will do better to not look her in the eye as difficult as that may be.

 

[drshirleysmith]

@unknown404

He first started coming to me when I was lying down on the couch and lying down beside me. And it dawned on me why...bc I when lying down I was close to his height and non-threatening.

Even a little less threatening is laying down on the floor so that they feel taller than you. I would also say since OP has another dog, perhaps also try laying down on the floor and playing calmly with the outgoing dog to encourage the one who is afraid.

But also lay down on the floor without the outgoing dog around. Lay down for a while. Maybe put some peanut butter on the tip of your finger and stretch your arm out away from your body so shy dog doesn't have to get too close right away with this.

Also, have your wife lay down on the floor between you and the shy dog. Once it approaches and seems comfortable have your wife try and put it in between both of you, then if it still seems ok go for light, slow moving, pets yourself. No fast movements no eye contact.

If the dog leaves keep laying down for about a minute before getting up and leaving the spot (so it doesn't feel like it did anything wrong).

If dog is not afraid of your male voice then a calm, soft, baby talk "good dog" voice helps reaffirm being petted by you is good.

Also OP, I've seen posts of people say it even took a few years for a dog to finally feel safe around their adopter. Be patient and follow fourspadesdoubled's tips. Baby steps.

 

[haplotes]

@unknown404 I picked up a clearly abused and abandoned puppy from a nearby lake. It took 3 days to get her in the car, she was playful with my dog, and followed the car when we were leaving but wouldnt jump into it. On the third day she jumped in after my dog.

She acclimated after about a week. At first she would hide in corners. Then picked a couch to sleep on.

For the first year we could not pet her at all. She would play tug, and sheepishly take treats, but any time your hand would reach toward her, she'd bolt and go under the table. We couldnt even sit next to her, she'd just run. She'd never ask for pets.

Its been about 2 years now, and she finally lets me pet her. Still ran from my husband for the longest time. Only in recent months can she enjoy pets from him, and even then, one accidental sharp move and she runs.

We figured out shes afraid of men with beards. Then figured out that shes horribly afraid of being on leash, and a long line outside. Then while clearing the garden, saw her shaking under the car, figured out she was terrified of swinging sticks/boards. We kinda pieced together that she was probably chained up and abused with a long object of some sort. She probably wasnt dumped, she probably slipped her collar and ran away.

My point is, it takes significant time and continued trust and trial and error*, and sloooooow building of trust to get anywhere with an abused dog. Just show her love and consistency. She'll come around OP.

 

[unknown404]

@haplotes It is truly sad and downright agitating what some people will do to innocent animals. I’m so happy to hear your pooch finally got a loving home, and I’m hoping that in time we can do the same for our girl. I am very happy she can atleast be herself around my wife, that’s half the battle there. I can tell she has a lot of love to give and wants to be loved in return it’s just a long winding process.

 

[sj74]

@unknown404 This sounds like Thursday Dodger. He was a foster fail and the only reason I fostered him was because I worked at my local humane society and when he was finally placed on adoption floor, his soul looked like it left his body so I said I’d foster him. He never interacted with my dogs and I for the longest, and I fostered him so long that my boss made me adopt him if I wanted him. Well I did and it took almost a year of just letting him be before he let me truly pet him; before he snuggled up to the other dogs; before he let us see him eat and drink water. The first time he barked he scared us all because I just assumed his vocal cords had been removed (people so scary things to animals). He’s still standoffish but he’s gotten so much better. We (the dogs and I) learned to just let him be or the dogs will just snuggle up quietly next to him like a safety blanket. I think they understood him more than I ever will

 

[hiibegigi]

@unknown404 I don't have any actual advice on what to do, but as great as it is that you guys gave her space, you should also be actively working with her to build a relationship and trust.

You have to go there and sit with her for as long as it takes for her to even just look in your direction. Toss her tasty good smelling foods, talk to her, etc, reward engagement, help her see that your presence means good things happen. Simply waiting for her to come out on her own may work, but it may also teach her that she can just avoid dealing with any if it and live like that. It sounds like she is the latter, and she's out now only after you got a second dog.

I'd talk to a trainer or behaviorist, or honestly just call rescues or fosters all around and ask them how they handle such cases. Sometimes you just have to force yourself in their space or do things they doesn't like to help them move forward. Especially if she's still so scared that she won't even go outside to do her business, or just walk. That is not a good and healthy life for a dog. It sounds terrifying. You could even discuss medicating her with your vet to help her cope with things. Would even help training as she'll hopefully finally be able to do and experience a somewhat more normal life.

 

[juliekl]

@unknown404 Dog reactions typically come from association. You didn’t say, but I assume you are male? She could just be afraid of men in general due to past experience. I would suggest keeping up what you’re doing, and keep your voice quiet and calm. If you aren’t already, take over the dog’s meals, and every time you walk into the room, give her a high value treat, a toy she loves, or anything that will help her to make a positive association with you. If her reaction to you is coming from a place of trauma, just know that this will take time. The fact that she will get on the bed with you means that she IS trying. You just have to help her through. Maybe get a dog bed to put on the floor next to the bed so that she can be near you without fearing your movement. The most important thing is to be cognizant of her presence. Always be quiet and calm, never raise your voice or show any type of aggressive body language, even in fun, as you may put her back to her past trauma. It sounds like you’re on your way though so keep it up, and you’ll eventually win her over.

 

[unknown404]

@juliekl Thank you, my wife has been the one hand feeding her as she struggles to eat her food herself. She will bury her bowl under blankets if my wife doesn’t hold her and feed her. I will start to integrate myself into doing that more, she just doesn’t not feel comfortable enough to allow me to hold her. But, like you said this will take time effort and patience

 

[kimmarqy]

@unknown404 Have you spoken with a trainer? It would be best to seek out help with someone that can see and evaluate the dog.

Is it a small dog that can't wear a martingale collar?

 

[unknown404]

@kimmarqy Have not spoken with any trainers. She is a 20 pound mix, so she is on the smaller side. To be honest, I didn’t know what a martingale collar was until I googled it a minute ago. I don’t know that we would go that direction only because she might just keep going even with the pressure against her neck, and I don’t want you stress her out even more with that if it makes sense.

 

[kimmarqy]

@unknown404 I would definitely implore you to find a trainer. It will help immensely to guide you on a plan for how to tackle this within the dogs current capabilities.

 

[gunslinger3]

@unknown404 She still traumatized. I can’t understand your statement about it “being hard to continue to show love when you get zero reciprocation from her”. That sounds like you don’t have the capability of dedicating the time, patience, and love, it takes to work with an abused dog. What kind of a person even thinks this way? Is it about helping an animal, overcome a trauma that can explain to you, or is about your “feelings“? Your dog probably needs, trazodone, and lots of patience and understanding. Stop trying to pet her, and let her come to you. Happy veterinarian talk to you about how deeply traumatized your dog may be. Speak to Sam volunteers to give you advice. But if you’re approach is, I’m not getting enough affection, so this is an issue for me, then you were the wrong person for this poor dog. I hope she does well in spite of you.

 

[unknown404]

@gunslinger3 Harsh comment, but I can understand how you could misinterpret that based on how I worded it. Let me make myself perfectly clear, I love her to death and will do anything as her owner to make her life as best as I can make it, hence why I am asking for advice on this app. My number 1 goal with her is for her to know she is in a loving home that will be without any of the traumas she has experienced in the past. All I want is for her to feel comfortable within the space she has, and to know I wouldn’t do anything to harm her. Clearly, after 6 months we are not at that point, and I don’t know everything I need to do to make that happen. I have been very positive and tried many different methods I have seen to get her to understand that I am on her side and will do nothing but love her. Definitely not my best choice of wording.

 

[gunslinger3]

@unknown404 I’m so sorry!! It was how I read it in my head. Decades of volunteering with rescue groups has left me jaded. I am so grateful that your heart is in the right place. There’s a real possibility that her past traumas were caused by men who abused her physically. I have actually been the owner of two such dogs. It broke my heart. The raising your arm could be what automatically triggers her fears. I recommend, letting her cuddle with you while you talk to her. When you go to pet her, are you coming from under her chin or over the top of her head? I have found it coming under the chin is an easier approach for many of them. I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope she lives along, happy, And much loved life with you and your family

 

[unknown404]

@gunslinger3 She really won’t come to me for cuddles whatsoever. The times I do pet her while is in her crate or on my wife I will pet nothin her head and under her chin. I have read that many suggest doing under the chin but it feels awkward if I’m being honest lol. When I put her on the head I do notice she tends to back her head away from my hand, so I should strictly go from under the chin until she gets more comfortable with me.

 

[gunslinger3]

@unknown404 Ask vet about trazodone. She may benefit from it greatly. Our dog has been taking it for more than nine years. We don’t know what he went through before we adopted him, but it left him with lifelong anxiety. He’s much more relaxed, in many circumstances when he has a trazodone. It has given him a much more fulfilling life.

PS - Love your username. - “ ‘cause it’s funny! “

 

[unknown404]

@gunslinger3 Will definitely ask about that. When we took her too him for her initial visit , we mentioned how much anxiety she has and he stressed he didn’t want to alter her brain chemistry if we didn’t absolutely need to (which we wholeheartedly agree with). That was a month in to us having her, so he wanted us to wait the full 3 month break in period when you adopt a dog. Will bring it up next time she sees the Vet.

Also, it’s about damn time someone understands the method to my madness!

 

[godswill414]

@unknown404 When we got our dog she bonded with me straight away but my partner found it much more difficult. She was always biting/nipping/being aggressive towards my partner. Took about 12 months but now they love each other dearly and you can’t separate them most of the time. Keep working at it, you’ll get there. Consistency and patience.