Trying to decide if I should put my lab mix (f/8) with anxiety down

[ttobe2]

This post is really long but I feel like
I have to include all the details because putting a dog down is very serious and to get actual opinions I feel like you’d need to know everything.

She’s a 45 pound lab mix we’ve had since she was 4wks old, we found her by a dumpster where she was abandoned.

A little back story:
Seven years ago (she is 8 now) we were attacked by a German Shepard. I was the only one who got hurt since I grabbed the dog, my dog ran away and was fine physically. Emotionally this event really messed her up, she’s never been the same since and became severely animal aggressive after this. We had to stop taking her to her favorite dog park because she suddenly started attacking the other dogs.
Five years ago she started attacking her brother (a 20 lb terrier mix) over food which eventually escalated into random attacks over seemingly nothing. Luckily she never put any marks on him but I was always home to immediately separate them. She was also going after the ferrets who she was raised with.
I would cry going to the grocery store because I was afraid she was going to kill the other dog if I wasn’t their to stop her. I still get emotional thinking about that year-ish of my life.

After thousands of dollars in tests (they thought maybe seizures, maybe a tumor, we went to a behavioral specialist, and countless bloodworks) we almost had to put her down due to her outbursts but we decided to give fluoxetine (Prozac) a try and it worked. She has had maybe 4 attacks in the last 4 years.

Anyway the last month she has been extremely anxious (new stuff includes asking to go out multiple times a night, crying constantly for attention at night and getting nauseous) , I have a two year old who still wakes up frequently at night and obviously needs me all day. I just don’t have the unlimited time to give to my dog all day like I did before the baby. My husband promised me when I was pregnant that as long as I was breastfeeding he would help me with her more but that only lasted maybe the first months and it’s been nothing but me begging for him to actually help.

Cut to tonight, he stays up to game and I go to bed with my daughter (probably 10pm). I asked him to open my door when he’s done using all the lights and sits down to game. Well my daughter wakes me up at 1 and after I got her re-settled I got up to open the door. My husband was ignoring the dog while she was crying and whining at his chair while he was watching YouTube in his literal closet of a gaming room. He claims that she had only been doing it for about five minutes but I argued that he could have sat on the couch with her and watched YouTube but in his words he just doesn’t want too. I believe she was crying at his chair for much longer and when I opened my door she flew to me.

He says that she’s a dog and if he doesn’t want to give her the cuddles she’s begging for, he doesn’t have to and that she can literally just cry about it. He refuses to help with the emotional load of her because he claims I made her this way and honestly I just can’t stretch myself any thinner. I’m pouring from an empty cup everyday and have nothing left to give to her at night.
It’s not fair to her that she’s upset all the time, I’m going to take her to the vet this week to run all of her bloodwork fo make sure it’s not a physical illness but I hate that she’s always crying. We don’t have unlimited money to pour into her and while I love my vet but he’s out of ideas. We can not afford the few grand to go to a behaviorist long term.
I wish I could give her a house, a yard and unlimited snuggles but I can’t. I feel like a shitty dog mom and while I know things will be easier when my daughter gets older it doesn’t fix the right now. Because of her I probably won’t have anymore kids.
Besides being mentally a mess she’s a healthy 8 year old dog and I don’t know how to handle this.

My vet and I agree she isn’t safe to rehome unless I found a great fit for her and let’s be honest, she’s a high needs 8 year old dog on expensive medication, no one would take her. We also agree that a shelter would be beyond cruel.

TLDR: My husband won’t help me with my high needs dog and I don’t know if I should consider putting her down or if I should let her be seemingly miserable.

Edit: the advice “you’re conditioning your dog that crying gets her stuff so stop doing that but also your husband is an asshole for not responding to her cries” is a little confusing.

To the people who read this and somehow got “I think my life will be better with out my best friend by my side” and are leaving hurtful comments clearly aren’t reading this post. She’s not a normal dog having “normal dog” behavior.

My husband has a ton of faults, so does our marriage and our dogs neediness has absolutely been a huge issue in our relationship. He, like a lot of you have said, feels that we shouldn’t be responding to her cries because it feeds into her issues. He has been saying this for years, and like I said in this post she’s recently has gotten worse and I’m trying to decided what’s best for her. She doesn’t know why she’s anxious, she doesn’t understand why her medication makes her tired, she doesn’t know why her dog brother is scared of her (still, years later) and won’t clean her face like he use to.
Also, no, my husband doesn’t abuse her. Neither of us have ever hit any of our pets. He is watching TV with her right now and she’s laying on his chest. He just refuses to help her when she’s crying, which I think is cruel and clearly stresses her out but some of the advice I’m getting is not to help her so now I don’t know. I’m so burnt out and I feel terrible. I have no idea what to do, I love her just as much as I love my human family. She’s been with me through my entire adult life, every hard thing I’ve ever been through she’s been by my side i just want her to be happy.

 

[wechez]

@ttobe2 The problem is more your husband. If he won't help with dog, mf better help more with the baby and house. Is he helping with anything at all?

 

[imagebeastmarkbeast]

@wechez

My husband promised me when I was pregnant that as long as I was breastfeeding he would help me with her more

This REALLY did not sit well with me. "As long as you are breastfeeding... I will help with OUR dog." Like, what???

 

[wrm11]

@wechez Yeah he sounds like a real piece of work.

 

[woodgood]

@wrm11 Crap

 

[pabostt]

@ttobe2 I know others said it before me, but

• your husband shows zero responsibility towards the dog
• ignores your requests
• ignores your mental well being
• does not keep his word about helping
• does not help you out.

Marriage, parenting, dog ownership when you live together is all team work, and you are on your own. I don't mean to be super harsh, but if you put down the dog, what then? Because then at some point maybe you would like to have another, who is less problematic, or better yet, maybe you get depressed, and you need help from him, or maybe your child needs help from him. Maybe your child will have even higher needs, so is he not going to help with the baby either?

IDK, I'm not a big fan of the guy, from wat you said, but I don't see how putting down the dog is going to solve your issues, which seem to be with him. The child is bringing you stress as well, and you are not putting them down... The way I see it, children and pets have a lot less accountability and control than grown-up men. You did your 100%, now it's his turn.

 

[imagebeastmarkbeast]

@pabostt He put a condition on his help ("my husband promised me when I was pregnant that as long as I was breastfeeding he would help me with her more"). He's..not a teammate.

 

[beautifulkindheart]

@imagebeastmarkbeast Not a partner at all.

 

[myrnajo]

@ttobe2 The problem here is not your dog. It’s your husband. What exactly does he do to help you around the house? When is he helping parent his child? No wonder you are tired.

 

[kkk]

@ttobe2 I'm dealing with a very similar situation but no baby involved. I can't imagine the stress and feeling of desperation that drove you to even draft up this post. From my perspective reading this, you're one hell of a mom and your severely burnt out. You need some time to fill your own cup back up and take care of yourself so you can continue to be the amazing mom (dog mom included) you clearly are. Best of luck

 

[malkah18]

@kkk I agree, I think you're really burnt out. You need to get rid of some stress. I know that people are saying get rid of the husband but if you're not in a place to do that atm then you need to get rid of the dog. I knew there will be a lot of people on here who disagree with me but I'm a foster mum and I've seen what happens when people get pushed to their limits. These can be good people who are just completely out of their depth and overwhelmed.

As lovely as your dog may be your priority is now to your baby.

Wishing you all the best. No matter what your decision you are a good person. Remember that.

 

[maxx55]

@ttobe2 Sounds like the problem isn’t the dog

 

[coldcatsoup]

@ttobe2 You have more problems than the dog— you’re not thinking clearly and in your head that getting rid of the dog will solve your problems and it won’t.

Your husband deserves free time like everyone, but not at the expense of his responsibilities (helping with the dog being one of them, it’s the family dog)

You feel like you’re pouring from an empty cup because you’re a mom of a little one with a husband who isn’t helping you as you need it (going to bed with the child to get them to sleep so you can rest and he can’t even give the dog an ounce of attention so you can relax while he’s awake)

Try sitting your husband down and telling him you need him to stick to the same routines with the dog to help you and the situation.

 

[anonvox]

@coldcatsoup This. But also understand that you encourage her anxious behavior and even make it worse when you give her attention every time she cries. I understand your husband completely, if I stopped everything I was doing to give my dog attention when it cries nonstop I'd have no free time. You have to be willing to teach her to be on her own and get her confidence back. It sounds a bit like you gave up on her already and expect your husband to babysit a very anxious (and probably annoying for him) dog that can't be on its own at all.

 

[saminjse]

@coldcatsoup Everyone is jumping down the husbands throat, and he may indeed be a huge POS, but we have no information about the division of responsibilities. We don't know that he doesn't help with the baby/house. We don't know if (just for example) he works a 12-hour shift, comes home to help w the kid, and then 10-11pm is the only free time he gets. We don't know if he never wanted a dog in the first place, and they agreed that his involvement would be minimal.

All we do know is that it seems like neither adult in the house is equipped and willing to deal with a dog this aggressive.

OP, I would reach out to some rescues, give them the full history, and act as her foster for at least a while. Even if the dog isn't ultimately rehomed, it may take some of the pressure off that something is being done. Ultimately, an aggressive dog is a huge responsibility, and if your attention is stretched too thin to be on top of it, he's a danger to your family and to strangers.

 

[xjasonsteelex]

@ttobe2 I'm mot sure what the issues are that are serious enough to euthanize?

You haven't covered what the dogs daily exercise is since baby came along? I'm guessing it's less. So having a baby (they can b stressful for some dogs), lack of 1:1 time, exercise and her behaviour has deteriorated. But these things can change and she cld her back to how u had her before where euthanisia wasn't a consideration.

Re the stuff abt attacking other animals, and ur stress abt that. She needs to ve safely seperated if u aren't there. Crated/gated /pen room etc.

Get a dog walker. Get ur husband to put dog b4 gaming.

 

[ttobe2]

@xjasonsteelex To be honest we’ve been considering putting her down for years, we had to switch vets several times to find one who had better advice than putting her down when she was attacking everyone.
She gets walked every four hours at a minimum and then gets one long walk in the evening. My husband does take her out to pee before he plays video games and once a week we take her to my friends yard to let her run around with the ball. We really do try our best on to make sure she’s exercised but obviously just because it’s winter she gets less.

The only reason I don’t think it’s the baby is because she’s two years old and all of these new issue started in the last few weeks so honestly as far as the toddler goes nothing has changed. She’s way less demanding now then when she was an actually baby.

The only reason I’m considering doing it now it’s because she’s just so clearly miserable. She spends 90% of her day crying no matter what I do. She needs to be tucked in constantly with her weighted blanket (she has a toddler one) and she never seems happy. I’ve started to add more enrichment for her (like food in a rolled towel and I’ve ordered some puzzles) but she’s really aggressive with that stuff so I need to make sure she has alone time for that.
She is my first baby, I am absolutely one of those “crazy dog moms” who thinks her dogs are her kids (and I say that having a kid lol) but she seems to spend everyday miserable and with my husband refusing to help at night I hate the idea that she just stands around crying. It is so hard to explain but she will literally just stand still in one spot and cry until you figure out what’s wrong with her. I am worried about her quality of life because it’s always kind of been morally gray for me with all of the medication she’s taking especially because I don’t know how it makes her feel all we know is that it makes her less likely to attack her brother.

 

[rachelcheyenne]

@ttobe2 So, I'm saying this as someone that is an avid animal lover, that believes euthanasia should be the last possible option, but also has been actively going to school to be a vet's assistant.

We've talked about death, euthanasia, and all the reasons it may happen. Realistically you are the one that knows your dog best. If you have tried absolutely everything and nothing is getting better, in fact it's getting worse, it's a valid consideration. If this has been over the course of the past couple of weeks, give it a bit more time because it could be an off time for her. We all have them. But I just want you to know that it's okay to consider euthanasia. It's an issue of quality of life. It doesn't have to be a physical disease for it to be terrible.

Also, your husband is a problem. The way he is treating you and the dog is disgusting. Is he even helping with the baby when he's up so late?

 

[xjasonsteelex]

@ttobe2 How long is the long walk? Ideally that wld happen earlier in the day to get all her energy out so she's not got all the energy during the day.

It wldnt hurt to try to rehome her yourself if u are really looking at euthanisia. No other dogs, no other pets, experienced owner, yard, someone who wants a dog that wants you every second (some pp actually want that!), wfh ideally etc. Be specific. And of course honest abt her issues. U could (further into discussions) offer to pay for her medication until the end of her natural life, or go 50:50. As until the whining there has been one "attack" a year you said, but never any injuries. So I'm sure someone out there might take her.

 

[1dookie]

@ttobe2 I’m assuming she’s crying because she wants attention and knows that’s how she gets it. You have only reinforced this over the years until it got this bad, and now you’re trying to get your husband to do it as well. Instead I would try only giving her attention the moments she’s not crying, or at least when she is more settled down. This will reinforce calm behaviors more.