Help…scared of dogs/pets in general, plis don’t judge me, I am pretty self critical as it is. (28 y/o F)
- Thread starter mmerchant
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boatjourney
New member
@mmerchant I have a phobia of dogs and my husband loves dogs. We’re currently raising two puppies because I’m okay with dogs I’ve raised myself. If he tried to force me to interact with strange dogs or get an dog that wasn’t a puppy we honestly probably wouldn’t be married. A dog (especially a puppy) is a ton of work and if you never want to own a dog that’s okay. I was okay with getting puppies but my husband would have understood if we couldn’t get a dog, even if it would have made him sad.
imagebeastmarkbeast
New member
@boatjourney This is the difference between OP who is OK with her boundaries being obliterated, and you who has healthy boundaries, and would have not married your Husband if he did that. Could not imagine even being attracted to a guy that did this to me anymore. I have 2nd hand ick from OP's description of what her BF did.
thesarabecker
New member
@mmerchant Your bf and his friend are both dicks. Sorry, its the truth.
I live in a country with a lot of stray dogs and a lot people that are scared of dogs (and also a lot of people that just aren’t used to dogs. There is nothing wrong with you for being scared of dogs. People who don’t live in countries where packs of hungry stray dogs roam the streets just don’t understand.
I dont bring my dog uninvited anywhere. If there is a group of people, I make sure everyone is OK with my dog being there. If I have people coming over, I let them know I have a dog. If someone (especially a child) is apprehensive, I put my dog on a leash, even though we are indoors. Hell, I have even closed my dog in a separate room while I had plumbers over. The fact that your bf and his friend couldn’t even do the bare minimum to keep the dog away from you while it was excited is a real dick move.
That being said, I agree with a lot of other commenters, you should address this in therapy. Dogs are everywhere, and it would be good, just for your general mental health, to not be scared of most of them. You don’t need to like dogs, you don’t need to pet the dogs, you don’t need to own a dog one day.
I would not recommend you get a dog until you are more comfortable with dogs generally. Sure, maybe you get a great dog that shows 0 aggression and behaves really well and doesn’t jump etc. But when you are out walking a dog, you tend to encounter other dogs - and some of them aren’t well behaved. Hell there’s a post every fucking week here of someone’s dog getting attacked by an off leash dog.
My (now) husband used to be very scared of dogs before we started dating. I didn’t even realize how bad it was, he was too ashamed to tell me. I decided to get a golden retriever puppy maybe 2 years into our relationship. We lived separately, it was my dog. He would see the dog maybe once a week. Slowly but surely he got more comfortable with my dog. He understood dog body language more and more. Thankfully my dog is never aggressive, never barks, and is generally a very polite and good girl. Now he will pet most dogs, and even helped me “catch” a lost dog so we can take it to a vet. He is still scared of some stray dogs (ngl so am I). OP, this took him YEARS.
Like I said, if you want to get over your phobia, go to therapy. You can also start exposing yourself little by little to a well trained, calm dog. Find a friend or neighbor with either an old dog or something like a lab or golden retriever and just hang out for a little bit. Ask questions. Every dog has a different personality. Every dog has a different way of communicating with humans. Get to know them.
But straight up getting a dog with your bf is not the way. This is a gradual process and not something to be ashamed of. Don’t let your bf pressure you into getting a dog if you don’t want one, phobia aside.
Rambling over.
I live in a country with a lot of stray dogs and a lot people that are scared of dogs (and also a lot of people that just aren’t used to dogs. There is nothing wrong with you for being scared of dogs. People who don’t live in countries where packs of hungry stray dogs roam the streets just don’t understand.
I dont bring my dog uninvited anywhere. If there is a group of people, I make sure everyone is OK with my dog being there. If I have people coming over, I let them know I have a dog. If someone (especially a child) is apprehensive, I put my dog on a leash, even though we are indoors. Hell, I have even closed my dog in a separate room while I had plumbers over. The fact that your bf and his friend couldn’t even do the bare minimum to keep the dog away from you while it was excited is a real dick move.
That being said, I agree with a lot of other commenters, you should address this in therapy. Dogs are everywhere, and it would be good, just for your general mental health, to not be scared of most of them. You don’t need to like dogs, you don’t need to pet the dogs, you don’t need to own a dog one day.
I would not recommend you get a dog until you are more comfortable with dogs generally. Sure, maybe you get a great dog that shows 0 aggression and behaves really well and doesn’t jump etc. But when you are out walking a dog, you tend to encounter other dogs - and some of them aren’t well behaved. Hell there’s a post every fucking week here of someone’s dog getting attacked by an off leash dog.
My (now) husband used to be very scared of dogs before we started dating. I didn’t even realize how bad it was, he was too ashamed to tell me. I decided to get a golden retriever puppy maybe 2 years into our relationship. We lived separately, it was my dog. He would see the dog maybe once a week. Slowly but surely he got more comfortable with my dog. He understood dog body language more and more. Thankfully my dog is never aggressive, never barks, and is generally a very polite and good girl. Now he will pet most dogs, and even helped me “catch” a lost dog so we can take it to a vet. He is still scared of some stray dogs (ngl so am I). OP, this took him YEARS.
Like I said, if you want to get over your phobia, go to therapy. You can also start exposing yourself little by little to a well trained, calm dog. Find a friend or neighbor with either an old dog or something like a lab or golden retriever and just hang out for a little bit. Ask questions. Every dog has a different personality. Every dog has a different way of communicating with humans. Get to know them.
But straight up getting a dog with your bf is not the way. This is a gradual process and not something to be ashamed of. Don’t let your bf pressure you into getting a dog if you don’t want one, phobia aside.
Rambling over.
@mmerchant He's an AH.
I get what he was trying to do, but he went about it in the most inconsiderate way possible. Yes, exposure therapy can work. But that's THERAPY. You need a very specific set of circumstances in order for this kind of therapy to work. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a time of it. It also sounds like you know what you want/need. He needs to adapt to your circumstances. He has a choice, you do not.
I also would not get a dog with a 6mo BF. As has been said, this is a 10+ year commitment. Please be very careful. I would hate to get an update that things went sideways.
I get what he was trying to do, but he went about it in the most inconsiderate way possible. Yes, exposure therapy can work. But that's THERAPY. You need a very specific set of circumstances in order for this kind of therapy to work. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a time of it. It also sounds like you know what you want/need. He needs to adapt to your circumstances. He has a choice, you do not.
I also would not get a dog with a 6mo BF. As has been said, this is a 10+ year commitment. Please be very careful. I would hate to get an update that things went sideways.
earthwatcher
New member
@mmerchant your boyfriend sounds like an asshole. phobias need to be taken seriously and he needs to respect his woman, or risk losing her to someone who will respect her wishes.
i would recommend starting with a small dog. maybe you know someone with shih tsus? they can be really calm and lazy. my ex was russian and she was also really scared of dogs, because a wild dog bit her face when she was a child. she immediately fell in love with my little shih-tzus and even took naps with them most mornings. it was adorable
i don't like big dogs either, mostly because i know people are not responsible. they won't control their dogs in public and it's worse when it's a breed that's known to be aggressive. small dogs i think would be easier to warm up to
good luck! only do the dog thing when you're ready. it's your decision, not anybody else's
i would recommend starting with a small dog. maybe you know someone with shih tsus? they can be really calm and lazy. my ex was russian and she was also really scared of dogs, because a wild dog bit her face when she was a child. she immediately fell in love with my little shih-tzus and even took naps with them most mornings. it was adorable
i don't like big dogs either, mostly because i know people are not responsible. they won't control their dogs in public and it's worse when it's a breed that's known to be aggressive. small dogs i think would be easier to warm up to
good luck! only do the dog thing when you're ready. it's your decision, not anybody else's
ikawumey2g9
New member
@mmerchant When I was about 8, I came home and told my mom. I almost was bitten by a dog and how terrified I was. My mom without looking up from what she doing said "oh you were mauled by a dog once" and that was that. At least I knew why, but then nor now do I have a memory of the incident.
My family had dogs and to this day I still have a dog. All my life people have made fun of me or could not understand my phobia of aggressive/or potentially aggressive dogs. People really have a hard time understanding my phobia or mostly don't care to. I vote for the latter. I realize fully, I'm transferring that fear of that moment from long go onto any dog that is aggressive to me now, but that realization will not abate my fear in a present moment.
I'm 73 now still walk my dog, and carry pepper gel, but that much lessened fear is still with me. I believe having sweet dogs has accounted for that. I once thought about getting help for my phobia but I thought a therapist couldn't do any better than I've done on my own.
I'm not giving OP any advice. I thought I would tell my story.
My family had dogs and to this day I still have a dog. All my life people have made fun of me or could not understand my phobia of aggressive/or potentially aggressive dogs. People really have a hard time understanding my phobia or mostly don't care to. I vote for the latter. I realize fully, I'm transferring that fear of that moment from long go onto any dog that is aggressive to me now, but that realization will not abate my fear in a present moment.
I'm 73 now still walk my dog, and carry pepper gel, but that much lessened fear is still with me. I believe having sweet dogs has accounted for that. I once thought about getting help for my phobia but I thought a therapist couldn't do any better than I've done on my own.
I'm not giving OP any advice. I thought I would tell my story.
christianstore
New member
@mmerchant When I was a kid, I feared nothing, right until my grandma's dog attacked me and almost bit me. I feared dogs up until I was an adult. However, our family home always had dogs and whenever I go back home for family events/holidays, I just ignore them. One day the dogs had babies and my dad sent me pictures of the puppies. I suddenly thought they're cute and when I went home again, I tried petting them since I knew they can't harm me (they're so tiny). I asked my dad if I could have one, and he gave one to me. And now I have her for 2 years and I don't think I can ever live without my dog. It's so weird. Stray dogs try to smell me and they're nice to me. Maybe they can sense that I've been around dogs all day (I have 5 dogs now). Just give one puppy a chance and maybe you'd fall in love, maybe not. It's just the love of a dog is so precious I want to cry and share how I got over my fear. 
elizecornforth
New member
@mmerchant This is fairly off topic but... It's lucky it's was lab/lab mix because your bfs "therapy" could have really really really backfired more than it did with a more active breed.
nickyhmurray
New member
@elizecornforth I'm betting it's a lab/pit mix and this could have gone worse
markus2121
New member
@nickyhmurray Why assume pitt in the mix?
Could have been ANYTHING, and it STILL could have gone worse than it did.
Thankfully, it didn't.
Could have been ANYTHING, and it STILL could have gone worse than it did.
Thankfully, it didn't.
@mmerchant I just wanted to say I used to have a phobia of dogs as well, ever since I was a child. My then boyfriend (now husband) really helped desensitize me to dogs in general. I went from running across the street as soon as a dog is in sight, to being able walk past dogs on the same streets. Me and my husband now own a small breed puppy and honestly my dog is one of the best things that happened to me. Given, I still get that heart racing feeling when I walk past big breeds on the street but it’s a lot better
jwilliams190800
New member
@mmerchant My cousin was like this. The only pets she can handle are ones she got as puppies or kittens and has raised. Otherwise she freaks out!
markus2121
New member
@mmerchant Just to get it out of the way, your bf should have warned you that his friend was bringing his pooch to visit. You could have gotten mentally prepared for it, or decided if you wanted to even be there while the dog was. Springing it on you was pretty inconsiderate.
On to your request for help.
If you really want to get over your fear, it sounds like this sweet lab mix is a good potential friend to start with. You've met the dog now, and you said you've played with it as best you could. So that says there was some interaction. Pup didn't hurt you and showed you no aggression. (Labs are pretty happy go lucky and want to be friends with everyone.)
If you spend more time with this dog, and talk yourself out of the fear-based thoughts along the way, you may some day feel open to considering a dog of your own. If you choose to get to know this dog, pay attention to the owner's commands. It will listen better if you use the same ones. (I have a Rottweiler who will do whatever you ask of him, so long as you ask how I do.) Use the same words and tone, and hand signals if the owner uses them too.
It also might help you to research how dogs communicate. They give signals on how they're feeling, and being able to read body language can help ease your racing thoughts when you're interacting with this pup. And any other dog too.
Thing is, your bf has to not pressure you anymore. And allow you to move forward on YOUR OWN TERMS, if it's going to be possible.
You could also try therapy. Someone experienced with phobias could be helpful.
I can't imagine my life without dogs or other pets. But I understand that they aren't for everyone.
If you don't actually want to work on your fear of dogs/animals, that's perfectly okay. But I would recommend dropping your boyfriend of 6 months, since he can't be bothered to give you a heads up about one visiting. He may just bring a dog home one day without considering you at all.
On to your request for help.
If you really want to get over your fear, it sounds like this sweet lab mix is a good potential friend to start with. You've met the dog now, and you said you've played with it as best you could. So that says there was some interaction. Pup didn't hurt you and showed you no aggression. (Labs are pretty happy go lucky and want to be friends with everyone.)
If you spend more time with this dog, and talk yourself out of the fear-based thoughts along the way, you may some day feel open to considering a dog of your own. If you choose to get to know this dog, pay attention to the owner's commands. It will listen better if you use the same ones. (I have a Rottweiler who will do whatever you ask of him, so long as you ask how I do.) Use the same words and tone, and hand signals if the owner uses them too.
It also might help you to research how dogs communicate. They give signals on how they're feeling, and being able to read body language can help ease your racing thoughts when you're interacting with this pup. And any other dog too.
Thing is, your bf has to not pressure you anymore. And allow you to move forward on YOUR OWN TERMS, if it's going to be possible.
You could also try therapy. Someone experienced with phobias could be helpful.
I can't imagine my life without dogs or other pets. But I understand that they aren't for everyone.
If you don't actually want to work on your fear of dogs/animals, that's perfectly okay. But I would recommend dropping your boyfriend of 6 months, since he can't be bothered to give you a heads up about one visiting. He may just bring a dog home one day without considering you at all.
@mmerchant I can’t say as to what would work for you specifically. For me, it was a different fear, but what it took to help me with it was to frequently expose myself to a situation I knew would be positive. The more times it turned out well, the less fear I felt the following time.
It sounds like the friends dog is too energetic for you. That can be an intense energy. My uncle has a lab that has high energy and it’s aggravating for me to deal with when I have no dog issues.
What I would suggest is to try finding someone with an old lazy dog. Sometimes you’ll find a younger dog who’s low energy. The same guy I mentioned had one of these as his last dog. These dogs waddle around slowly and just want to lay there and be petted. If you stop, they’ll politely ask for you to keep going, but will waddle off to try someone else if you don’t.
I also had a Jack Russell that would have been good with you. I spent years training her and she was great. She’d gladly ask for gentle pets or sit in your lap, but would leave you alone if you asked.
So see if you can find a very low energy dog. Hang out with it as much as you can. The more positive experiences you have, the more you’ll want to do it again. If you can’t find friends with one, maybe ask the vet or shelters if they know anyone who has a dog that could help you get over your fears.
I know myself that even if you really want to do something or not be afraid, you can’t always control it. That anxiety or panic rises up and it’s not fun.
You also need to explain to your boyfriend that if he wants any chance of you guys getting a dog, that he needs to help you with your fears, and bringing a high energy dog over isn’t helping any. It’s hindering. Also, be very clear that you may never be able to be around dogs. That you want to be clear that you have issues, and that while you’ll try to do the work if they help, that they should run under the understanding that you may never want a dog. If they can’t accept that, they need to let you know.
Lastly, there are breeds that don’t shed as much, but all dogs, cats, and people shed. I will say that the more you stay after brushing them, the less mess you have. It’s also one of those things where you feel one way when it’s abstract, and another way when it’s personal.
So objectively, everyone says dog hair in the house is bad. However, when you have a pet and really care about them, you stop caring quite as much about any mess. It’s kinda like when people say that when they have a kid, they’d do X, Y, and Z. Then they have a kid and it’s totally different when it’s their kid, vs an abstract concept of a random child.
Good luck. I hope it works out for you and you can minimize your fear. Dogs can be a lot of fun. Especially a good one.
It sounds like the friends dog is too energetic for you. That can be an intense energy. My uncle has a lab that has high energy and it’s aggravating for me to deal with when I have no dog issues.
What I would suggest is to try finding someone with an old lazy dog. Sometimes you’ll find a younger dog who’s low energy. The same guy I mentioned had one of these as his last dog. These dogs waddle around slowly and just want to lay there and be petted. If you stop, they’ll politely ask for you to keep going, but will waddle off to try someone else if you don’t.
I also had a Jack Russell that would have been good with you. I spent years training her and she was great. She’d gladly ask for gentle pets or sit in your lap, but would leave you alone if you asked.
So see if you can find a very low energy dog. Hang out with it as much as you can. The more positive experiences you have, the more you’ll want to do it again. If you can’t find friends with one, maybe ask the vet or shelters if they know anyone who has a dog that could help you get over your fears.
I know myself that even if you really want to do something or not be afraid, you can’t always control it. That anxiety or panic rises up and it’s not fun.
You also need to explain to your boyfriend that if he wants any chance of you guys getting a dog, that he needs to help you with your fears, and bringing a high energy dog over isn’t helping any. It’s hindering. Also, be very clear that you may never be able to be around dogs. That you want to be clear that you have issues, and that while you’ll try to do the work if they help, that they should run under the understanding that you may never want a dog. If they can’t accept that, they need to let you know.
Lastly, there are breeds that don’t shed as much, but all dogs, cats, and people shed. I will say that the more you stay after brushing them, the less mess you have. It’s also one of those things where you feel one way when it’s abstract, and another way when it’s personal.
So objectively, everyone says dog hair in the house is bad. However, when you have a pet and really care about them, you stop caring quite as much about any mess. It’s kinda like when people say that when they have a kid, they’d do X, Y, and Z. Then they have a kid and it’s totally different when it’s their kid, vs an abstract concept of a random child.
Good luck. I hope it works out for you and you can minimize your fear. Dogs can be a lot of fun. Especially a good one.
@mmerchant It’s seems too soon for you to get a dog together.
You could start small maybe, like meet a nice small dog, dogs can be less overwhelming when they’re not too threatening.
But, even if you do get better with your fear, dogs are messy.
You could start small maybe, like meet a nice small dog, dogs can be less overwhelming when they’re not too threatening.
But, even if you do get better with your fear, dogs are messy.
hope122213
New member
@mmerchant So, I also had a phobia of dogs when I was little. What helped me was hanging around with small companion dogs like Lhasa apsos, shih Tzus, yorkies, Maltese, etc. They have the same dog behaviours as big dogs so you can get to know them in cute, fun-sized portions and then work your way up from there. This may also work for you.
@mmerchant Break up. He's awful for trying to surprise you with dogs to de-sensitize you. You should not be forced into having a dog. And equally - he shouldn't be forced into not having one if that's what he wants. You're simply incompatible and that's OK. You just both need to realise that breaking up is for the best.