Help…scared of dogs/pets in general, plis don’t judge me, I am pretty self critical as it is. (28 y/o F)
- Thread starter mmerchant
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boatjourney
New member
@mmerchant I have a phobia of dogs and my husband loves dogs. We’re currently raising two puppies because I’m okay with dogs I’ve raised myself. If he tried to force me to interact with strange dogs or get an dog that wasn’t a puppy we honestly probably wouldn’t be married. A dog (especially a puppy) is a ton of work and if you never want to own a dog that’s okay. I was okay with getting puppies but my husband would have understood if we couldn’t get a dog, even if it would have made him sad.
imagebeastmarkbeast
New member
@boatjourney This is the difference between OP who is OK with her boundaries being obliterated, and you who has healthy boundaries, and would have not married your Husband if he did that. Could not imagine even being attracted to a guy that did this to me anymore. I have 2nd hand ick from OP's description of what her BF did.
thesarabecker
New member
@mmerchant Your bf and his friend are both dicks. Sorry, its the truth.
I live in a country with a lot of stray dogs and a lot people that are scared of dogs (and also a lot of people that just aren’t used to dogs. There is nothing wrong with you for being scared of dogs. People who don’t live in countries where packs of hungry stray dogs roam the streets just don’t understand.
I dont bring my dog uninvited anywhere. If there is a group of people, I make sure everyone is OK with my dog being there. If I have people coming over, I let them know I have a dog. If someone (especially a child) is apprehensive, I put my dog on a leash, even though we are indoors. Hell, I have even closed my dog in a separate room while I had plumbers over. The fact that your bf and his friend couldn’t even do the bare minimum to keep the dog away from you while it was excited is a real dick move.
That being said, I agree with a lot of other commenters, you should address this in therapy. Dogs are everywhere, and it would be good, just for your general mental health, to not be scared of most of them. You don’t need to like dogs, you don’t need to pet the dogs, you don’t need to own a dog one day.
I would not recommend you get a dog until you are more comfortable with dogs generally. Sure, maybe you get a great dog that shows 0 aggression and behaves really well and doesn’t jump etc. But when you are out walking a dog, you tend to encounter other dogs - and some of them aren’t well behaved. Hell there’s a post every fucking week here of someone’s dog getting attacked by an off leash dog.
My (now) husband used to be very scared of dogs before we started dating. I didn’t even realize how bad it was, he was too ashamed to tell me. I decided to get a golden retriever puppy maybe 2 years into our relationship. We lived separately, it was my dog. He would see the dog maybe once a week. Slowly but surely he got more comfortable with my dog. He understood dog body language more and more. Thankfully my dog is never aggressive, never barks, and is generally a very polite and good girl. Now he will pet most dogs, and even helped me “catch” a lost dog so we can take it to a vet. He is still scared of some stray dogs (ngl so am I). OP, this took him YEARS.
Like I said, if you want to get over your phobia, go to therapy. You can also start exposing yourself little by little to a well trained, calm dog. Find a friend or neighbor with either an old dog or something like a lab or golden retriever and just hang out for a little bit. Ask questions. Every dog has a different personality. Every dog has a different way of communicating with humans. Get to know them.
But straight up getting a dog with your bf is not the way. This is a gradual process and not something to be ashamed of. Don’t let your bf pressure you into getting a dog if you don’t want one, phobia aside.
Rambling over.
I live in a country with a lot of stray dogs and a lot people that are scared of dogs (and also a lot of people that just aren’t used to dogs. There is nothing wrong with you for being scared of dogs. People who don’t live in countries where packs of hungry stray dogs roam the streets just don’t understand.
I dont bring my dog uninvited anywhere. If there is a group of people, I make sure everyone is OK with my dog being there. If I have people coming over, I let them know I have a dog. If someone (especially a child) is apprehensive, I put my dog on a leash, even though we are indoors. Hell, I have even closed my dog in a separate room while I had plumbers over. The fact that your bf and his friend couldn’t even do the bare minimum to keep the dog away from you while it was excited is a real dick move.
That being said, I agree with a lot of other commenters, you should address this in therapy. Dogs are everywhere, and it would be good, just for your general mental health, to not be scared of most of them. You don’t need to like dogs, you don’t need to pet the dogs, you don’t need to own a dog one day.
I would not recommend you get a dog until you are more comfortable with dogs generally. Sure, maybe you get a great dog that shows 0 aggression and behaves really well and doesn’t jump etc. But when you are out walking a dog, you tend to encounter other dogs - and some of them aren’t well behaved. Hell there’s a post every fucking week here of someone’s dog getting attacked by an off leash dog.
My (now) husband used to be very scared of dogs before we started dating. I didn’t even realize how bad it was, he was too ashamed to tell me. I decided to get a golden retriever puppy maybe 2 years into our relationship. We lived separately, it was my dog. He would see the dog maybe once a week. Slowly but surely he got more comfortable with my dog. He understood dog body language more and more. Thankfully my dog is never aggressive, never barks, and is generally a very polite and good girl. Now he will pet most dogs, and even helped me “catch” a lost dog so we can take it to a vet. He is still scared of some stray dogs (ngl so am I). OP, this took him YEARS.
Like I said, if you want to get over your phobia, go to therapy. You can also start exposing yourself little by little to a well trained, calm dog. Find a friend or neighbor with either an old dog or something like a lab or golden retriever and just hang out for a little bit. Ask questions. Every dog has a different personality. Every dog has a different way of communicating with humans. Get to know them.
But straight up getting a dog with your bf is not the way. This is a gradual process and not something to be ashamed of. Don’t let your bf pressure you into getting a dog if you don’t want one, phobia aside.
Rambling over.
@mmerchant He's an AH.
I get what he was trying to do, but he went about it in the most inconsiderate way possible. Yes, exposure therapy can work. But that's THERAPY. You need a very specific set of circumstances in order for this kind of therapy to work. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a time of it. It also sounds like you know what you want/need. He needs to adapt to your circumstances. He has a choice, you do not.
I also would not get a dog with a 6mo BF. As has been said, this is a 10+ year commitment. Please be very careful. I would hate to get an update that things went sideways.
I get what he was trying to do, but he went about it in the most inconsiderate way possible. Yes, exposure therapy can work. But that's THERAPY. You need a very specific set of circumstances in order for this kind of therapy to work. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a time of it. It also sounds like you know what you want/need. He needs to adapt to your circumstances. He has a choice, you do not.
I also would not get a dog with a 6mo BF. As has been said, this is a 10+ year commitment. Please be very careful. I would hate to get an update that things went sideways.
earthwatcher
New member
@mmerchant your boyfriend sounds like an asshole. phobias need to be taken seriously and he needs to respect his woman, or risk losing her to someone who will respect her wishes.
i would recommend starting with a small dog. maybe you know someone with shih tsus? they can be really calm and lazy. my ex was russian and she was also really scared of dogs, because a wild dog bit her face when she was a child. she immediately fell in love with my little shih-tzus and even took naps with them most mornings. it was adorable
i don't like big dogs either, mostly because i know people are not responsible. they won't control their dogs in public and it's worse when it's a breed that's known to be aggressive. small dogs i think would be easier to warm up to
good luck! only do the dog thing when you're ready. it's your decision, not anybody else's
i would recommend starting with a small dog. maybe you know someone with shih tsus? they can be really calm and lazy. my ex was russian and she was also really scared of dogs, because a wild dog bit her face when she was a child. she immediately fell in love with my little shih-tzus and even took naps with them most mornings. it was adorable
i don't like big dogs either, mostly because i know people are not responsible. they won't control their dogs in public and it's worse when it's a breed that's known to be aggressive. small dogs i think would be easier to warm up to
good luck! only do the dog thing when you're ready. it's your decision, not anybody else's
ikawumey2g9
New member
@mmerchant When I was about 8, I came home and told my mom. I almost was bitten by a dog and how terrified I was. My mom without looking up from what she doing said "oh you were mauled by a dog once" and that was that. At least I knew why, but then nor now do I have a memory of the incident.
My family had dogs and to this day I still have a dog. All my life people have made fun of me or could not understand my phobia of aggressive/or potentially aggressive dogs. People really have a hard time understanding my phobia or mostly don't care to. I vote for the latter. I realize fully, I'm transferring that fear of that moment from long go onto any dog that is aggressive to me now, but that realization will not abate my fear in a present moment.
I'm 73 now still walk my dog, and carry pepper gel, but that much lessened fear is still with me. I believe having sweet dogs has accounted for that. I once thought about getting help for my phobia but I thought a therapist couldn't do any better than I've done on my own.
I'm not giving OP any advice. I thought I would tell my story.
My family had dogs and to this day I still have a dog. All my life people have made fun of me or could not understand my phobia of aggressive/or potentially aggressive dogs. People really have a hard time understanding my phobia or mostly don't care to. I vote for the latter. I realize fully, I'm transferring that fear of that moment from long go onto any dog that is aggressive to me now, but that realization will not abate my fear in a present moment.
I'm 73 now still walk my dog, and carry pepper gel, but that much lessened fear is still with me. I believe having sweet dogs has accounted for that. I once thought about getting help for my phobia but I thought a therapist couldn't do any better than I've done on my own.
I'm not giving OP any advice. I thought I would tell my story.
christianstore
New member
@mmerchant When I was a kid, I feared nothing, right until my grandma's dog attacked me and almost bit me. I feared dogs up until I was an adult. However, our family home always had dogs and whenever I go back home for family events/holidays, I just ignore them. One day the dogs had babies and my dad sent me pictures of the puppies. I suddenly thought they're cute and when I went home again, I tried petting them since I knew they can't harm me (they're so tiny). I asked my dad if I could have one, and he gave one to me. And now I have her for 2 years and I don't think I can ever live without my dog. It's so weird. Stray dogs try to smell me and they're nice to me. Maybe they can sense that I've been around dogs all day (I have 5 dogs now). Just give one puppy a chance and maybe you'd fall in love, maybe not. It's just the love of a dog is so precious I want to cry and share how I got over my fear. 
elizecornforth
New member
@mmerchant This is fairly off topic but... It's lucky it's was lab/lab mix because your bfs "therapy" could have really really really backfired more than it did with a more active breed.
nickyhmurray
New member
@elizecornforth I'm betting it's a lab/pit mix and this could have gone worse
markus2121
New member
@nickyhmurray Why assume pitt in the mix?
Could have been ANYTHING, and it STILL could have gone worse than it did.
Thankfully, it didn't.
Could have been ANYTHING, and it STILL could have gone worse than it did.
Thankfully, it didn't.