Help…scared of dogs/pets in general, plis don’t judge me, I am pretty self critical as it is. (28 y/o F)

[mmerchant]

@jojaseto Yep I am considering working over this in therapy. I have come long ways but I know still a lot more to go. 8 years ago I was not even able to stand close to a dog, now I am rarely bothered with their presence even in elevators, on side walks n all, I have volunteered at places where families had dogs and I kept my composure and even let them sit in my lap sometimes, For some people it might be nothing but for me its everything ))))

 

[jojaseto]

@mmerchant Your accomplishments are in no way “nothing,” you went from a) Not being able to be near a dog, to b) Being able to be around them, with some reasonable nervousness, to c) Being able to hold one in your LAP! Those are huge Grand Canyon milestones and you should be so proud of yourself for accomplishing them.

If you’re unable to get therapy now and still want to overcome your fears, I still suggest reaching out to a local dog trainer and explain your situation till you find someone that’s willing to help you and explain doggie behaviours and what you can do to keep yourself safe (because the friend unleashing his dog on you was NOT safe for anybody), and they can maybe even set up a meet and greet with a dog or some dogs they know that are low low maintenance.

 

[ash_ley4]

@mmerchant As I was reading the first paragraph I thought why didn't your bf tell his friend not to bring over his dog, knowing your phobia and knowing such a surprise is never okay. Then I read the second paragraph and it seems IMO, that he set this up intentionally with his friend as a way to sway you into his want for a dog. He sounds incredibly inconsiderate of you . This is a huge red flag. You've only been dating 6months and if he is already going behind your back and conspiring against you on important issues, it's only going to get worse. I can't say leave him, that's not my business, but you need to be aware of what's going on and see it from an outsider's perspective. That being said you can't just get over a phobia, and certainly not by it being forced on you by someone else. This will only make things worse. Your bf should know this or at least respect it fully, which he does not. Also a dog is a huge commitment, and I would advise you to not make a huge commitment with someone you just know that's already throwing off huge red flags. So many things could go wrong and then you're stuck with a 15 year commitment you didn't even want and can't properly care for. Your bf can't even take care of you in an emotional sense (emotional support), what makes you think he can do so with a dog? The same reasoning you wouldn't want to have kids with someone like this.

Do not feel terrible . That's what your bf should be feeling, but I doubt he is. You did nothing wrong, and were put in a terrible position. It wasn't okay for him to do and it's really not okay for him to do and not feel bad or understand why it was wrong. To me he sounds like the kind of person who will come home one day with a dog and expect you to "just get over it." What will you do then? You live under his roof now, so he can use that as an excuse. I'm just saying I doubt he would consider your say in the matter and I'd be cautious of what else he will be inconsiderate about. Also you have to be really careful. If he comes home with a rescue dog , that can really destroy any and all progress as these dogs rarely have known histories and can often present with aggression and behavioral issues. Please don't give in to something you are not okay or comfortable with. Stand your ground and look out for yourself because no one else is right now...

 

[shiffley]

@ash_ley4 You made such a good point. Boundary pushing and disregarding emotional states with humans is a clear red flag that this person may also boundary push and disregard emotional states with a pet. That’s dangerous and can, at best, lead to a dog with behavioral issues. At worst, you can end up with a dangerous dog. Such a good point that anyone who can’t emotionally support a person has a higher chance of being a poor pet owner.

 

[mmerchant]

@ash_ley4 Thank you so much for your response, also thank you for making a point about rescue dogs. As a matter of fact I actually adore golden retrievers and when I am ready want this to be my or our first dog, but he mentioned his likeness for a rescue dog and thats exactly I used to think that rescue dogs and I won’t fit well. He usually is great about me and my mental well being, I think in his way he is trying to help me, he never really forces me for anything but last night I was not expecting this interaction, usually I need sometime to prepare myself for such. His friend also happens to be our neighbour so I don’t actually think he orchestrated this entire situation but also he should have politely told our neighbour to bring his dog inside.

 

[shiffley]

@mmerchant If you want to address this phobia, you can with the help of a therapist. That is a safe and supportive way to meet your goals.

If you are fine not addressing this, that is absolutely okay. Or if you want to be able to tolerate a dog in your vicinity but not in your home or having clos interactions. Those are absolutely valid goals.

I am not sure I can express how awful your bf is behaving, how unempathetic he is, and how much I hope that you run far, far away from a relationship with this person. It’s not just that you guys are fundamentally incompatible with the dog thing, it’s that he is fundamentally not on your team. It’s not hard to Google phobias and learn about how they actually work and how people address them successfully. He seems to be too lazy and disinterested and (again) lacking in empathy for you to do that.

I would highly recommend starting with a therapist and bringing bf in for a few sessions to see if he can start behaving like someone who loves and respects you.

 

[imagebeastmarkbeast]

@shiffley This 100%. Imagine what boundaries he'll spit on next, when at 6 months they're both still in the 'honeymoon' phase and being on their best behaviour. He's 100% not on her team, and is actively working against her for his own benefit.

Imagine putting someone you care about in terror. That's what he did. Knowingly. Makes me shudder.

 

[imagebeastmarkbeast]

@mmerchant Real talk- you have a phobia. Ok, whatever. Not a big deal. What is a big deal is that your boyfriend is disrespecting your boundaries and willingly forcing you into a situation he knows youre not comfortable with because he wants something. Is that a person you want to share you life with?

The question that needs asked- Do you want to be with someone who could give less than an actual fuck about what you want and what scares you? People that push boundaries and override what other people want don’t change. What is he wants kids and you’re not ready? Or vice versa? Imagine being overridden in that conversation.

 

[mmerchant]

@imagebeastmarkbeast I can’t even imagine being stuck in that kinda situation. I did have a heart to heart with him and about how I felt about his actions towards this issue-he did apologize. But just posting here and reading everyones comments made me realize other underlying issues as well.

 

[girlmom2]

@mmerchant You for sure would need to work on your fear just for day to day life. Your going to bump into dogs every now and then. But if you don’t love dogs I would not suggest getting on with your boyfriend. Set hard boundaries, cause they are a lot of work. And they can stay with you for 15 years or so. You have to be prepared to care for something that long. To try to get over your fear maybe you and your boyfriend can go look at puppies. They are pretty harmless, and the bites don’t hurt even if you did get bit by one. Not to by though, just to try to get you used to it. Maybe see if any of your friends have a trained dog that you could work with. Or if any of your friends have a really sweet dog you could try with them.

 

[renee2021]

@mmerchant This relationship isn’t going to work. He wants a dog and you are clearly not in a space where that works for you. He’s not going to let it go and he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings on it. Do not get a pet with someone you’ve been with for such a short period of time, especially if you’re on completely different extremes.
That being said if it’s something you personally really want to get past then I suggest some form of phobia therapy.

 

[imagebeastmarkbeast]

@mmerchant He's inconsiderate of your well founded fears, and he allows you to be put in a terrifying position without your prior consent, and you're together only 6 months.

Its really unfair, and quite frankly weird that you feel the onus is on you to change. You got with him because he doesn't have pets, but now he's asking you to get a dog. This is so so wrong, for you. You like clean, dogs are NOT clean! You have a terrible, well founded phobia which will require the help of a therapist, not your inconsiderate BF that just decided to put you in terror.

If this is what the relationship is like in just 6 months, when you're both still trying to impress eachother and be on your best behaviour, imagine what it will be like in a year, or 2 years. I'd be afraid of what other serious boundary fires he'll be setting for you. It doesn't get better.

Please rethink the situation and put yourself first.

PS. I love dogs, have my own. I would NEVER force my dog on someone who was terrifed, that's abusive and frankly sadistic.

 

[christianguy19]

@mmerchant Honey, please don't get a dog with this man. Fears need to be approached with baby steps, and at your pace. It was incredibly inconsiderate for him to pull this on you suddenly. If he desperately wants a dog, and you're not willing to go through the process of raising one not to mention living with one, you may not be compatible long term. And i want to emphasize this: its completely okay for a relationship to end because your future desires do not align.

 

[imagebeastmarkbeast]

@mmerchant I love my little dog which I got to keep my daughter company but was very happy without one. If you don’t want one around I suggest you don’t get one. They are there all the time.

You might be able to overcome the phobia but are you going to actually be happy if you have one?

 

[melzy]

@mmerchant Your boyfriend is being an inconsiderate idiot. Tell him to stop thinking he can fix your phobia just by telling you something you already rationally know. If he insists on doing this, then he doesn't deserve you (or any other partner) until he understands that these kinds of boundaries are not optional.

 

[gisherjohn]

@mmerchant I think it would be a good idea to have a serious and thorough discussion with your bf about this, especially since it sounds like he isn't very considerate of your boundaries. You're not overreacting and from what you've written it sounds like he doesn't understand how serious your phobia is. Also, is not having a dog going to be a deal breaker for him?

Other than that, maybe EMDR therapy? It helps with PTSD/traumatic events. However even with getting over your phobia you might not be a dog person.

 

[mmerchant]

@gisherjohn Thank you for responding. Usually he is pretty considerate of my emotions in general. But in situations like these sometimes I feel helpless and also ashamed. I don’t think its going to be a deal breaker for him, its just pretty much everyone around us have big dogs. And I am okay dealing with dogs even the big ones if they are chill and do their own thing instead of trying to lick me or jump on me.
I am currently in therapy due to other reasons and recently my therapist tried EMDR for my other traumas, which did seem to work. I am thinking EMDR for this issue as well.

 

[gisherjohn]

@mmerchant I would just talk with him then. Maybe see if you can set up a timeline that works for both of you. I'm glad EMDR is helping. It definitely saved my butt.

 

[imagebeastmarkbeast]

@mmerchant But he was very inconsiderate of your fear this time. This was enough to cause a knock on effect and have you set back for months, maybe even years - including with other traumas. Our brains only have one circut for processing all traumas, so this could have been very messy.

Think about this carefuly, because its never just 'once' they overstep the mark.

 

[hjt]

@mmerchant I dont think how your bf is judging you for your fear is ok, and his approach seems strange. Other than that if you want to desensitize to dogs, its propably best to do it with a therapist who has experience with fears and phobias. Older dogs move slower and might be more tolerable for you to be around. If you dont want a dog, dont get one (they should be a luxury, not something just tolerated), but your life could be less stressful if youre not afraid of them.