Help…scared of dogs/pets in general, plis don’t judge me, I am pretty self critical as it is. (28 y/o F)

[mmerchant]

Recently, my boyfriend’s friend came over to hang out with us, and a couple of secs later my BF announced to not get spooked since his friend also brought over his dog. This dog is a cutie, black, some kind of lab mix breed big dog which happens to be very active as well. I have been scared of dogs my whole life. I grew up in a country where stray dogs were not really friendly, also as a child I had an incident where an animal bit me and ever since I have developed this phobia. Whenever I see a happy dog coming my way my heart just starts racing to the point where I start feeling dizzy. And if the dog owner does not stop their dog coming towards me I legit start having a panic attack.
So his friends dog got really excited to see me, kept wanting to sniff me and kinda jump in my lap and lick. I really wish I could let this happen but my anxiety levels were off the roof as my hands got lill shaky. The dog did get settle from time to time and I gave that good guy scratches.

Problem is my bf of six months keeps bringing it up that he wants us to get a dog, honestly one of the reason i started dating him was that he dont own any pets.
He knows about my fear n all, but thinks that somehow my fear will just go away if he tells me that dog is not going to bite me. As much as I want a pet dog i know i cant have one right now. Last night I felt really embarased when I acted scared n jumpy after dog walked in the door.
I was just chilling on sofa and suddenly I ran upstairs because a dog was close and I was not ready for it. I felt terrible. But also a lill sad as I felt my bf should have been considerate of this or should have asked his friend not to bring his dog over before checking with us. I did run upstairs and wanted to cry out loud but instead maintained my composure and played with the dog best way I can. I am sure that dog must be thinking why she is so weird
I just dont feel ready enough for a dog yet, my bf really wants one, trying to find ways to desensitize myself and to overcome my fear. Any advice? I am so tired of feeling this way,
Thank you!!!

P.S: I moved into my bf’s house recently, I am also a bit of a neat freak, I feel shedding will bother me, as its 3am rn and all I can think about is dog’s hair all over living room rug, sofa n floors.

 

[no1texan]

@mmerchant No judgement but even if you didn't fear dogs, I would definitely not get one with a boyfriend of only six months! They are a 10+yr commitment and a lot of responsibility to push onto a new relationship.

Especially with someone who doesn't seem to respect you enough to be considerate of your fears.

I do think you should work with someone who specializes in phobias, or a therapist to maybe just work on ways to ease your anxiety, but your fears don't seem to come from a totally irrational place, either. You have childhood trauma and for your own mental health, you should work on that - NOT because you feel pressured to get a dog with your boyfriend, but because it will help you not feel so scared in life.

 

[jojaseto]

@no1texan Agreed, OPs pretty rational even while terrified, throughout the whole incident she was talking herself down the best she could have, she analyzed the dogs behaviours, and then when she was ready she gave the dog some pets. This is a person who doesn’t want to be afraid, but also can’t help the trauma responses from happening (honestly nobody can, I’m pretty sure if OP tossed a cockroach on her boyfriend he’d scream like a little child and run)

 

[mmerchant]

@jojaseto Hahahaha surprisingly I am pretty comfortable handing roaches (H.S dissection class). But yeah during my meltdown I did make a point to bring over tarantula and make him pet that (he does not do well with spiders) I know it was a petty thing to say but was really frustrated atm.

 

[clare25]

@mmerchant I empathize with your fear.

Out of curiosity, do you fear all dogs, including small breeds like Pomeranians?

 

[mmerchant]

@clare25 I fear all dogs equally, I love Pomeranians they look adorable.

 

[mmerchant]

@no1texan Yes, youre right. I have talked to him about being patient as we are still getting to know each other more. He is a very sweet person but sometimes he thinks he is being helpful when he is not really.

 

[martey]

@mmerchant Is he though? Him doing this basically boils down to “I know what’s best for you and that’s what’s going to happen.” That’s not being helpful. That’s strongarming. He’s telling you right now that what you want, what you say, what lines you draw, do not matter to him. He knows what’s best for you.

 

[mmerchant]

@martey I have issues with boundaries, but I did make him clear that We are not ready for one, I am not ready for one. Not sure if he was really happy about this decision but he understood.

 

[koh]

@mmerchant I have serious doubts about him really being a sweet person. He's ignoring your phobia and disrespecting your boundaries. I'm a serious dog lover myself, and this guy sounds like a dead loss.

You might or might not overcome your fear of dogs with a guy who respects and understands your fears and the basis for them. You won’t with this guy, and you won't be happy trying to live with a guy who thinks it's fine to invite a friend over who brings a big, active, overly friendly and undertrained dog who will jump on you--and not tell you until they're there.

That dog probably is a sweetie, but your bf isn't. That dog, no matter how sweet, isn't the dog to start helping a person who has a phobia founded in childhood experiences including a bite, start to get over it.

Honestly, I think this, and pushing you to agree to getting a dog, are red flags you should pay attention to.

 

[mmerchant]

@koh Thank you for responding, yes I am paying attention to when it comes to redflags n all. His friend hangs out with us a lot usually and has never brought over his dog before ever, as he is well aware of my fear. The lab mix is a sweetie, I say Hi to this dog pretty much everyday whenever he pokes his head out from the other side of the fence.

 

[yuckstine]

@no1texan OP this is excellent advise. Dogs are similar to having children, they are a huge commitment and it's not fair for the dog if you do get one and then if you and your boyfriend don't work out potentially have to rehome it

And it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't respect you. He may have thought he was helping, it could have come from a good place. But was still very inconsiderate.

If you have anxiety about it or are unsure do not let your bf pressure you into something you aren't comfortable with. Focus on yourself, and developing a healthy relationship.

My honest opinion is your bf doesn't sound like he needs a dog. He cannot respect boundaries (even dogs have boundaries) and being in a relationship for 6 months and wanting to impulsively get a dog together seems like an immature move.

 

[mmerchant]

@yuckstine Thats the plan focusing on myself, but also working over this.

 

[cmadukasi]

@no1texan Yes this. I know couples who get a dog bc they want kids but can’t have one. Not the same…but also the same in some ways.

Pets show up in prenups and divorces. It’s a legit emotional and financial commitment.

 

[jojaseto]

@mmerchant Hi OP, I’m going to be honest - it sounds like your boyfriend is pretty inconsiderate when it comes to your dog phobia, because he definitely could have told his friend not to bring his dog without checking in. And he thinks that you’ll just “get used” to dogs - no, that’s not how any of this works. Sure he can tell you the dog doesn’t bite but how does that calm you down? He’s aggravating your phobia, he’s not doing anything to help you.

As for the advice, are you open to therapy? Or maybe even trying to contact some dog trainers to talk about dog behaviours and eventually meeting a dog once you’re comfortable? There’s many ideas for you that don’t involve shoving a dog in your face right off the bat, and they’re all done safely.

 

[cmadukasi]

@jojaseto I would definitely give a +1 for therapy! Even if you never like dogs or pets, it’ll be worth it to not go into full panic whenever you see a dog in public (or at least know how to manage the panic). Bc you deserve more than to be scared in public!

If you do, ever, actually want to try having a dog, consider an older dog that just wants to nap and get a head pat. Much lower energy, sometimes they don’t like chewing as much (mine didn’t, she just wanted to smoosh her tennis ball), generally they give off happy sloth vibes, sometimes they’ll grump off to bed on their own, and they usually don’t get adopted as easily.

But if you don’t, that’s ok too. Get a roomba—kinda autonomous being that also cleans and I think there’s a shop that sells like little ears for them. Not making fun at all—my cousin had really bad allergies so no pets, so they got a roomba and it wasn’t the same but it made him feel better.

 

[mmerchant]

@jojaseto He sometimes get impatient and in his way he is trying his best to get me comfortable. Although his intentions are not bad but it makes me feel terrible cause I love dogs and really want to play, cuddle with them cuties like everyone else. Yes thats why I posted here, cause I know I might get some suggestions to help me get over my fear.

 

[sparletta]

@mmerchant His intentions don’t sound that great to me. He is trying to force you to “get over it” through exposure far beyond your comfort level. He is only trying to benefit himself with this, not you.

 

[alice96]

@mmerchant Phobias are not a thing to try suggestions from the general public to fix, you need to find a therapist that specialises in phobias.
But will follow that up with my general public suggestion, ha - (along with therapy)you could learn about dogs and there body language, so you are able to read what they are feeling ? This knowledge may help to stay in thinking mode rather than panic mode? And knowledge is power.
As for you boyfriends idea to get a dog - seriously NO, so I’m guessing he’s thinking cute puppy you will not be scared of it and then love it and trust it by the time it’s big - BUT there is a lot wrong with this - 1. A dog is a huge commitment that you both need to be fully into 2. Being able to consistently train puppy through to dog takes confidence with dog. 3, even if it worked out and you were fine with your dog, what happens when you take your dog anywhere? You will be dealing with far more dogs than you interact with as a non-dog owner, having dogs coming at you will probably freak you out which your dog will pick up on and likely react too - making the dog you didn’t want a nightmare to do things with — lastly dealing with the extra cleaning from a dog you didn’t want and that is a daily reminder of your boyfriend putting his wants above your needs is a recipe for resentment well deserved resentment aimed towards him)

 

[mmerchant]

@alice96 Oh for sure I will be addressing with a therapist. Yes cleaning, keeping things organized is a big deal for me, we already struggle sometimes with this I cant imagine how this will impact my time and energy in future.