Our Christmas success was actually… really sad

[wuodnyawasi]

My boy (3y/o, border collie) has been getting better and better as he gets older, but he still does NOT do well with new people in his space.

Well, for Christmas we had 11 people. He knows nine of them, so while he was wary, he was fine with them once he recognized them all. Well, two were new, and one of which was a 6’3”, bearded man, aka his biggest trigger.

Well, he barked a little. Maybe for about 5 minutes. Then… he deferred to me. He let me make his decisions for him, and, for the first time, decided to give his triggers a wide berth instead of reacting.

It was… heartbreaking. I think, at least for me, that it can be hard to reconcile reactive/aggressive behaviour with the idea that the dog is scared. Sometimes it feels hopeless. I know I have thought more than once, “Wow. You’re just being an asshole.” Well, last night he didn’t react, but for the first time, I saw his anxiety full-fledged. He curled up; he watched the room; he followed me around. The looks he would give me as he waited for me to make decisions for us were heartbreaking. Watching him follow me if I moved more than a foot was heartbreaking. He wasn’t shut down — he still went outside and played, he still went for love from those he knows, and he still took treats (including from the new mountain man!), but his anxiety was palpable.

He did everything well. He was perfect. But he was so scared. I will never, /never/ begrudge his reactions anymore. I will never doubt that his behaviour is the result of anxiety and fear. Last night was a success, but it was also a major eye-opener. I love him, I’m grateful for his progress, and I’m thankful he trusted me even if he (frequently) considered not doing so. I think, moving forward, I’ll trust him more, too.

Edit 1:
Thank you all for your kind words!! I’m so proud of my boy and the progress he’s made. I appreciate those who have asked how I’ve done this; please know that while ceasing walks and “hard” training has worked for us, this is no way something I’m encouraging. I’m so in awe of those of you on this sub who, day in and day out, continue to face these stressful situations. I am in awe of those of you who work tirelessly every day, putting up with reactions and some not-great behaviours. I… did not do that. I took the lazy route and stopped what was hard and started what was fun. I am so lucky my dogs have taken to our new lifestyle and that it has helped my reactive Strider, I recognize that this… isn’t necessarily the suggested course of action for reactive dogs. It’s just what’s worked for us.

Happy Holidays to you all! I hope we all have major breakthroughs in 2024

 

[frostice]

@wuodnyawasi As a fear reactive dog owner myself, this brought happy-sad tears to my eyes. Good scaredy pup

 

[wuodnyawasi]

@frostice he’s a good boy for sure

 

[ezrael]

@wuodnyawasi Tbh the realization that my dog was terrified of everything on our walks was what motivated me to get serious on training. The bites she had vs other dogs were motivating but not as impactful as when I began to understand her motivations.

I think fear and anxiety probably are much more of an issue for dogs than "aggression".

 

[jessman88]

@ezrael Yeah that’s how it is with my dog, people think he’s aggressive but in fact he’s actually a very shy and fearful dog who overcompensates by acting ferocious.

 

[ezrael]

@jessman88 Ya - it doesn't help when they look like "that type" of dog. My eyes can't roll hard enough typing that - but my dog is assuredly cool with humans and would much rather feel the need to cuddle than to bark or otherwise. Unfortunately, humans have a bad habit of other-ing people and dogs alike - and then get upset when there are issues.

 

[wuodnyawasi]

@ezrael Honestly. My boy is a long haired BC with the goofiest expressions and the biggest puppy dog eyes. Does NOT look ferocious until a trigger comes around. I almost would rather have a “mean” looking dog so people would leave us alone, but I guess that’s what the muzzle helps with lol.

 

[starlight11]

@ezrael Very, very, very few dogs are "aggressive" or "dominant". Fear governs their behavior overwhelmingly.

 

[kony]

@starlight11 My dog was frightened of dogs and people he didn't know, but he was also a very excitable dog so people didn't understand that all the energy and excitement was because he was frightened and anxious. Once he knew a dog/person he was as good as gold and much calmer

 

[starlight11]

@wuodnyawasi Before, he trusted no one at all, and took things into his own hands.

Now, he trusts one person a lot, and it sounds like a few other people. And it sounds like he was rewarded for doing so!

Every day a little bit of progress. You're doing great, and he's doing great

 

[wuodnyawasi]

@starlight11 This is so nice. Thank you for saying this! He is my absolute shadow and is obsessed with me, and I with him.

 

[joyathome]

@wuodnyawasi Be sad for him, If that helps you, I just wanted to mention from what I've read it sounds like your dog had a great Christmas and you were able to invite both old friends and new into his space he had an overall good experience and was able to cope with stress by playing.

You can lament the life he doesn't have for him although from my perspective It sounds like he is learning and growing in a good way!

 

[wuodnyawasi]

@joyathome He has made such leaps and strides. He had a great Christmas and it’s such a pleasure that he’s at the point where he can have positive experiences with my friends and family.

Thank you for your kind words!!

 

[jamesbond004]

@wuodnyawasi I am so proud of your pup and you. BCs have a special place in my heart, had a childhood one and a current one who is reactive. They are such good dogs but due to their energy level and extreme intelligence they are more likely to be reactive dogs. They take a lot of love and a lot of time and it sounds like you are putting in the work!

 

[wuodnyawasi]

@jamesbond004 I have two and I’ll never own another breed. My first one is 7 and has been the easiest dog ever. Obsessive, high energy, intense, but just wonderful and no behavioural problems. BC #2 has been… a challenge hahaha. But other than the reactivity (and how he plays with my other BC — herding), he doesn’t exhibit any typical BC behaviours.

In terms of “putting in the work,” my main method has been letting him lead our training. I (mostly) stopped trying to force him into situations that would make him uncomfortable (ie, walks) and we focused more on off-leash obedience in rural areas. Every day we load up in the car and head out to the country for a couple of hours. Since then, he’s gotten better in every way. Even on walks he’s better, despite the fact that we don’t often work on walk behaviours. It’s a win-win situation for us since a) he has a better time and b) I’m not shitting my pants with anxiety every time a dog turns the corner.

 

[bushido8000]

@wuodnyawasi I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but I can speak from personal experience that the "aha" moment is really transformative, will improve your relationship with your dog, and will help you help him better.

For me, it wasn't until we visited at veterinary behaviorist that I was able to recognize how much anxiety my pup carried (and I will forever feel the guilt of not seeing it sooner) - my reactive boy is a frustrated greeter (so his reactivity is not fear based). The VB talked me through a lot of things, and after that, I saw it all. I don't know how I was so blind to it before, but with the VB's guidance, it became so abundantly clear how much he was struggling, and how high his anxiety was. Like you, I used to think "gah, could you please just stop being an asshole!" For us, between the anti-anxiety medication prescribed by the VB, and me having a much better understanding of my pup and his needs, he - and by extension me - is in soooo much of a better place now. I am confident that you will get to that place too.

There's a saying that gets mentioned in this sub every now and again, and it hit me so hard when I was finally able to really see my boy's anxiety: "He's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time."

Thank you for sharing.

 

[wuodnyawasi]

@bushido8000 Thank you for saying so. I don’t think I’m necessarily sorry it happened — though I’m sorry that he has such big emotions and doesn’t know what to do with them — as it’s changed the way I see him. I think we needed this.

I’m so glad you’ve enlisted the help of the VB and it’s working for you! Don’t feel guilty for not recognizing it earlier; learning how to communicate with each other is all part of your life with your dog. I’m really glad medication is working for yours. Unfortunately, my boy didn’t do well on dailies like Prozac, as it shot his appetite and he was quite depressed (even 4-5 months in). He does well with the gaba/traz for big situations like the vet or groomer’s, but I don’t think a daily medication is for him. I work in a veterinary field, and consulted with about 4-5 of my colleagues, two of which drove to my city to meet him. They agreed medication would help, but when the group of us chatted about it a while later, they also agreed that he is better off of it.

YES to that quote. My boy loves me, and I know he wouldn’t do anything to upset me purposely. I think I just needed to see what I’ve been working towards to really understand it.

Thank you for commenting.

 

[momo34532]

@wuodnyawasi I know it is hard watching our pets go through distress, but this seems like such a huge win. He trusted your lead over his own fear and anxiety. It was still there, but he knows that he can turn to you for help. He could have barked the whole time, but he decided to follow your lead instead.