Is your dog affecting your decision to have kids?

[dlmoodyfan]

My husband and I are both 30 and starting to think of having kids in the next few years. However we have a very reactive 8 y.o. Spaniel/Chow/super mutt. She’s touch sensitive and resource guarding with a low bite threshold. She’s so good 95% of the time and has made huge strides back from the brink of BE but I’ll never be able to trust her around kids. Even if I wanted to rehome her (which I don’t), no one would take her. I hate the idea of sequestering her to one room or outside because she’d hate it and I feel like we’d be pushing her aside.

We’re not 100% sure if we want kids and if we decide we do, we’re not in a hurry to have them. Would maybe have one in the next 2 years. But the reality is my dog is 28 lbs and her most recent bloodwork was perfect. She could easily live another 8 years. Then I’m 38 having my first kid. Not like that’s totally crazy but that’s certainly not the timing I’d prefer. It seems crazy to potentially miss or significantly delay my childbearing decisions based on a dog but on the other hand I made a commitment to her and I love her. It’s quite painful.

Has anyone else run into this?

 

[atoastysnowman]

@dlmoodyfan Yep, my shepherd doesn't have a bite history but he's not good with kids, the energy is just not a good mix and I've no interest in putting him in a situation to have a bite history. Also the sheer stress of a reactive dog has made me seriously question if I even have the bandwidth for a kid, because right now my dog and his issues dictate a lot of my schedule and I can't fathom adding a kid to that equation.

I wish I had advice for you but honestly this is something I'm still in the process of figuring out myself, so all I have is a "you're not alone!" haha

 

[dme]

@dlmoodyfan I've had 3 dogs in my adult life. 2/3 have absolutely loved children in all their stages(babies, toddlers, young children, etc). My husky loved kids all of his life. My newest dog loves kids. They were both practically drawn to them and obsessed with any in my life. My shepherd Malinois who taught me about reactive dogs though.. Terrified of those things. Like she'd turn and run away at the sight of one who was just standing there. That was until she met a little boy with down syndrome. He didn't care about his phone, was never too busy, he didn't cringe at the slobber, and he had an incredible arm on him. He'd throw her ball for hours and never once tried to pet her. I don't think he even made eye contact with me or her. She loved that little boy. Now she mostly just cares for them once they have the skills to hold her ball. Throwing it is ideal but just to drop it is cool too. She's been with me while I babysat a very small baby and just seemed to understand that she was no longer my top priority and her needs could wait.

If everything else was right for me and in the world, I'd absolutely have at least 1 kid. But mental illness and addiction run in my family. I can't risk passing that on just because my dogs like kids and I think I'd be a good mom. I think if my dogs didn't like kids it would be easier actually. They are the main reason I've ever even considered it.

 

[aquarius1985]

@dme Thank you for sharing this about your dog and the boy.

 

[dme]

@aquarius1985 her first small friend
You can't really tell but she was leaning against him. It's how she let's people know she accepts them.

 

[sarahrachel]

@dlmoodyfan My husband and I decided not to wait. My reactive boi is an ACD, who was adopted at 4, and turned 7 right before I gave birth to my son.

We were lucky. He's mostly dog aggressive, with a smattering of aggression towards men. But he's awfully nervous and anxious, and I had a feeling an infant suddenly crying, the unfocused and uncontrolled touch of a baby, or a toddler learning to crawl and then walk would make him very nervous indeed, maybe nervous enough to nip.

Well, my son is 16 months old now, and my dog turned 8 last year. He's definitely nervous, but you can see his interest waring with his anxiety. His interest has won every time so far, and I absolutely attribute that to the training, self discipline, medical care, and yes, love that we gave him before our son was born.

He's not perfect, though, and frankly, I don't trust him as far as I could throw him. We have a lot of baby gates, so my dog can choose to interact with my son through them, secure in the knowledge that he can walk away and won't be followed. I used a large playpen in the living room for a long time, too, to give the dogs freedom for as long as possible.

We moved my son into his own room at 3 months (quite by accident, but he's always been an incredibly independent little guy), and let the dogs come back into the bedroom to sleep with us, which really helped them feel like things were returning to normal.

Nowadays, my dog stays in the kitchen behind his gate while my son is awake. He has a dog door to the yard, and I have a ring camera set up so I can check on him outside. He has water, some toys, a mat by the back door, and the cat to come keep him company occasionally. When my son is napping and in bed, all baby gates are open for him to roam. He also gets closely supervised visitation with my son, I make sure he's been recently fed and exercised moderately (so he's not overly excited or exhausted). He's not food aggressive, but I'd also remove all toddler snacks if he was.

It's a lot, but we make it work. Banjo is a good boy who's trying his best, and my son is slowly learning to be gentle, and in time, he will learn to be respectful too. It was absolutely the right choice for us.

 

[skytheoden83]

@sarahrachel Thank you for taking the time to write this. My boyfriend and I have two dogs and a baby on the way. We are moving out to the country soon and interested how other people combat these behaviors. Baby gates for the win!

 

[h_marie716]

@dlmoodyfan We have the same situation, a 22 pound Velcro fluff with no bite inhibition that we can never trust around kids. We had our first baby 9 months ago and it’s gone ok. We have gates everywhere so dog and baby are never in the same area. It’s not ideal since the dog hates being separated from me, but he mostly just waits patiently on the other side of the gate and watches us. It also helps that we go on 2 walks a day with the dog, baby goes to bed at 7, and he spends the subsequent 12 hours with us.

 

[calvary4me]

@h_marie716 We are newly pregnant with a 26 lb Velcro fluff (lol). Based on what you said, it sounds like your dog sleeps with you - is that right? We plan to have baby gates everywhere and do not plan on baby cosleeping, but I’m sure at times we will want the baby in bed with us hanging out. Our dog sleeps with us and we love it/really don’t want to give it up (also, the reason he sleeps with us is because as a puppy he would screech all night if he couldn’t get in our bed…)

 

[h_marie716]

@calvary4me He does sleep with us. We had to kick him out for the first 4 months because the baby’s bassinet was in our room, and I wish I had been able to prepare him for that better (baby was a month early), but after that she moved into her nursery and he moved back in with us at night. The baby does hang out with us in the bed from time to time, and at those times the dog is on the other side of the gate, but we are very careful about safe sleep and she sleeps in her own crib all night.

Honestly, these first 9 months have been easier with the dog than I expected. The baby requires constant attention regardless of whether the dog is there, and the only thing I think we wish we could do is flop down on the couch without having to make sure the dog is behind a gate. Im more concerned about how things will go as the baby becomes more mobile, but I’m trying to be optimistic.

 

[calvary4me]

@h_marie716 Thank you and glad to hear things are going well so far after seeing your comment about room sharing I read up on the associated SIDS risk reduction, so we’ll need to think through what that could look like.

 

[joshuawithmartin]

@dlmoodyfan One thing to keep in mind is deciding you want to have kids doesn’t mean baby shows up tomorrow!

It may take you time to save/move (if you want to to those things before baby,) not to mention mention get pregnant. And even when you get pregnant, it takes 9 months and when baby comes along it’s not like a toddler shows up to your house and starts zooming around, so you have time to plan and prepare, train, and implement management as well as adjust well beforehand!

Family Paws Official on IG is a good dog + baby resource, and The Toby Project recently had a baby and has a dog with many behavior concerns they have diligently worked through. You might find those helpful!

Edit: wanted to add there are also trainers that specialize in preparing for baby arrivals and dog + baby like cannon dog training that may be worth reaching out to.

 

[dthompso20]

@dlmoodyfan I don't want children of my own, just wanted to share my experience: My parents got a highly reactive dog when I was around 5. They made a lot of progress with her training, but I still got attacked more than once. I hated dogs growing up because of it, and even now, I don't warm up to them the same way I do other pets.

Sorry I don't have any advice. You know your dog and your situation better than anyone else does. Just keep in mind that small children, as part of how they learn how to interact with the world, often push the boundaries of the animals around them. I'd imagine you'd need extra layers of childproofing to keep your kid from being able to interact with the dog when you're not monitoring them.

 

[daniela85]

@dlmoodyfan We got a dog, became pregnant, then realized our dog was severely human aggressive/reactive. He was not safe. We had to put the dog down. We gave him a good life while we could but he wasn’t even safe for us a good chunk of the time, it would’ve been irresponsible to have a child near him.

 

[davidnunes213]

@dlmoodyfan The one piece of advice I’d offer as someone dealing with fertility issues, don’t put it off past 35. Yes, plenty of people have babies after that age, but plenty also struggle as your fertility starts to seriously decline after that point. And if you have any issues you currently don’t know about, it’s even harder to deal with them when you’re also acutely aware of a ticking clock.

Baby gates will be your best friend. You could also look into working with trainers that are specifically geared towards training dogs to coexist with babies and children, such as poochparenting on Instagram.

I think it’s so amazing you love and care enough for your dog that you’re thinking of these things. I really hope you find the resolution that works for you and her!

 

[girlygirl18]

@davidnunes213 Came here to say this. OP, you should talk to your gyno and get some tests done now. I ignorantly assumed we’d be fine to get pregnant at 35, and … nope. Sharp decline in egg quantity and quality.

 

[theadmiral]

@dlmoodyfan Yes, but we're on the fence anyway so he's not the sole thing stopping us.

Given that you have a couple years before you want to get serious about trying for a baby, why not spend that time training up the skills needed for baby and dog to coexist? Things like: getting used to being separated behind gates or crated, noise sensitivity to crying, desensitizing to you holding a baby and bouncing it, even the kinds of noises baby toys make - all of these skills are generally helpful in life overall as well. The dog might be fine or might not be, but you'll have a better sense at the time than now. And you'll know you have done everything you can to make it work.

Fwiw, being off in a room by themselves while baby is out crawling around may be what the dog wants, so try not to come at it too much with human emotions. Generally dogs want to be stress free, so whatever gets them there is good for them.

 

[ferrchu]

@dlmoodyfan I have a reactive dog with 3 kids. Most of the time my dog is pretty good, but I can never leave him alone with the small kids. He actually likes kids but he's unpredictable so I always have to watch him. I also have to put him away when my kids' friends come over. It honestly only becomes a problem when the kids are actively walking/grabbing everything, so around 12 months. Before that the baby is pretty sedentary so not going to come near the dog. Most dogs are smart and know to stay away from this hyper, loud little person. I do keep my dogs in a seperate room sometimes, especially when the kids get hyper and loud. That's when my dog gets unpredictable. I think if you know their quirks and what makes them reactive it's easy to work around. It is a pain and nerve wracking sometimes, but the kids will outgrow all their craziness and learn how to act with dogs so you don't have to worry so much.

 

[alwayswaschristian]

@dlmoodyfan We did not hold off - spent 3+ years with the best behavioral vet and trainer we could find to no avail. We felt like we had no choice but to rehome. He’s being transported tomorrow. We are heartbroken.

 

[dr650adv]

@dlmoodyfan Not me, personally, but that is something I've brought up with potential adopters of a couple dogs who should truly go to child-free homes. I said things to the effect of...

"This is extremely personal, and I don't even want you to tell me the answer, but please discuss this with each other.

This is a one year old dog who will hopefully live a very long life. You don't have kids now, which is part of what makes your home an appropriate fit. Adopting this dog is a lifelong commitment." They always nod in total agreement.

"Adopting him would be a commitment to not having kids, and not having kids over to your house, for the better part of two decades unless you're able to make some major management measures like crate and rotating your child and your dog." and I reiterate that they should think that over privately.

With an 8yo dog, it's fortunately or unfortunately, a shorter term arrangement. While fostering, small kids are the biggest wild card to me. So many dogs are afraid of kids and neither the children or the dogs are at fault if something bad happens. It's all about how the adults in the household manage things and it's uncomfortable to be in a position to have to try to figure out if people are attentive parents or not.