I can’t stop crying - Day 7

[jbradley57]

We brought home our 9 week old Labrador puppy last weekend and I have cried every day since. Today I had a full blown panic attack, which was a first in my 37 years.

I’ve never had a dog, let alone a puppy, but I love animals (I’ve always had cats) so this has really blindsided me. I would have never guessed that I would be this distraught over a puppy but my whole world feels like it has been turned upside down. I barely eat, have a constant stomach ache and just feel this constant overwhelming pressure from stress. I generally consider myself a pretty steadfast person but this has shaken me to my core.

I can’t even pinpoint what is triggering it. By all accounts he’s a normal puppy. At least that’s what everyone says. We’re crate training and using enforced naps to help manage time between play. He has only had two accidents in the house but that was mostly us not picking up his queues. Last night he even slept from 10 pm - 4 am with no break.

We are struggling with some things like biting, constantly chasing the cats, and he’s pretty stubborn when it comes to training. I know these are pretty normal puppy behaviors and this sub has a ton of great advice. Because of this intense stress reaction I’m having a really hard time managing my emotions (frustration) when these things happen. I haven’t bonded with him yet so I find myself not wanting to engage with him much.

Everyone says puppies are hard, but I wish I would have found this sub sooner because no one really tells you why it’s hard. Had I known the struggles, and about puppy blues, before I maybe wouldn’t have gone through with this. If it were just me, I would probably return the puppy but my husband, who is a dog person, is already so in love with the puppy.

I have read so many posts over the last two days, and everyone says it will get better. I sincerely hope it does. I’ll push through for my husband’s sake, because it is great seeing how happy he is. It just feels so daunting. I think I’m resigning to the fact that I’m just not a dog person and will forever be a cat lady.

Maybe this will all pass and in a few months I’ll be able to offer advice to others going through it.

 

[lof33]

@jbradley57 Hi! It well get better. I promise.

For starters, though, he's only 9 weeks old. What he needs now and for the next month or so is just security, comfort, safety, and your care and attention. He's an infant, like a 3 month old baby. He is not really trainable yet. People get really frustrated with their infant dogs for being "stubborn" and obnoxious, but they literally have no capacity to be any other way. It is massively comforting to know that he is NORMAL, you are NORMAL, that you can lower your expectations of him for a while, and that things will rapidly improve after about 4 months of age.

In the meantime, read some puppy books and watch YouTube videos. You'll get all kinds of random advice, good and bad and often conflicting, on Reddit, so read the forums here with care and take averages/aggregates and go with your instincts.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. Please know that it will get better. You have a really cool opportunity to mold a very good boy, but that molding does not start quite yet. And remember, our dogs reflect us. If you are frantic and frustrated and losing your cool, he will pick up on that and probably do the same. It doesn't mean he's a bad boy--he's just mirroring the energy around him. Stay calm, try to smile!, and go ahead and cry in your room alone once in a while. It does get better.

 

[jbradley57]

@lof33 Thank you for the reality check. I think I’ve spent too much time watching videos where they start training as soon as puppy comes home. I’ve gotten it into my head that I should be able to leash train him, teach him “leave it”, etc. I’m so worried about doing this all wrong that it’s just making it worse.

 

[hallelujahglory]

@jbradley57 The advice above is so darn accurate! Just provide love and care and everything will fall into place for your baby. I also made the huge mistake of overwhelming myself with information on the internet that I forgot what is really important. Tenderness, love, care and most importantly, patience!

 

[jbradley57]

@hallelujahglory Thank you for this! I’ve gone down a dog training rabbit hole and I think that’s a big part of my problem.

 

[forlovessake]

@jbradley57 I was honestly the same. I tried to do all the things I watched or read on the interwebs, was really frustrated on it not working. Him not being potty trained at week 10, not leash walking properly and hating his crate. We're at 13 weeks now, I started meeting with a personal dog trainer and I've just been working on his behavior mostly with a little training. It has gotten so much easier when I removed the "oh he has to learn this by week x". We're just taking it slow and I feel so much better myself, but I can see that in him too. I already feel a bond between us, hope I'm not the only one.

So in short, it does get better, enjoy the puppy days, they go by so fast.

 

[tomm57]

@jbradley57 Forget the dog training videos. Find a good positive reinforcement group training puppy class.

Do puppy one. And then two and three if it’s in you.

You don’t need all of the conflicting info on the internet and group classes will show you that your puppy is a normal puppy. Your puppy will learn that you exist in distracting environments, and the whole thing is a win.

 

[deepcoder]

@jbradley57 Someone compared him to a human infant and rightly so. How frustrated would you feel trying to teach a baby to walk at 2-3 months and them not being able to do it? Gotta crawl before they walk but they've got to learn to roll over before that.

Your puppy is fine and YOU are fine. Deep breath....you got this. It's all about the little things right now and you've got a lot to be happy about. Six actual hours of peaceful sleep? No puppy poo minefields? Gold stars all around!

You'll get through this and will be on here sharing tips and advice before you know it, ok? It does get better and we're always here to lift you up and reassure you when you think all is lost.

 

[fomor]

@jbradley57 The most important thing to remember is that he knows nothing! He doesn’t speak your language so he doesn’t understand anything you say. We taught our dog hand signals as a puppy. When he would sit, we would say good boy, and reward him. When he seemed to get it, we added the hand signal. When he got that, we added the verbal cue. But it takes time. It sounds like he’s doing great with potty training, which my Cavapoo took forever to get, so good for him! Congratulations on your puppy! It does get easier.

 

[jamesnathan]

@jbradley57 Take a big ol' breath and relax. I'm at 6 months with my puppy and I know for a fact I wasted some time and effort on her when she was freshly home. It wasn't until she was around 3.5 to 4 months that she started being able to focus. Teach sit, name recognition, come, and potty training. The rest for right now should just be enjoying them while they're still tiny and as adorable as they'll ever be. You'll really be able to tell when they're ready for you to start advancing to real manners, bite inhibition, impulse control, etc. They'll have a look in their eyes of focus eventually that doesn't look like floppy puppy love but more like respect and seeking leadership. That will come, for now just shower them with love.

I found the first couple months really made me grow as a person.. This is my first dog and I'm alone with her most of the time. But I would say the biggest thing it taught me is empathy. Early on you're really concerned about yourself. Like this puppy is making MY life different and stressful. As time went on I had a breakthrough when I started to try and have empathy for what my puppy was going through. It must be so confusing and frustrating to be a little animal that is brought into human's homes that are stressing out over every little natural behavior it wants to do. It needs some time to adjust and watch us and feel comforted by our presence. They can't be expected to automatically look to us as the perfect influence of how they should be. That trust is earned through being calm and consistent with them. So the real advice is to try and let the setbacks roll off you. You're going to feel those frustration and overwhelmed feelings, but you're also going to learn how to move past them quickly by realizing that they aren't helpful.

 

[jbradley57]

@jamesnathan This is amazing advice. I appreciate the perspective!

 

[mathewsdaniel]

@jbradley57 All my puppies were so interested in learning the world around them that they just didn't have the capacity to focus on the humans. Once they hit 3 to 4 months, this changes. They start to realize they need and love you, and their focus on you helps with training. By 5 months, they're like a totally different dog! So just stay strong and keep trying. Don't stress. As long as you keep trying, it'll happen!

 

[complexsimpleton]

@jbradley57 You will. With time. Here is a link to an article that gives a timeline of what you might be doing when as far as training your puppy goes. Don’t over stress about doing it or anything perfectly. Make sure you are getting rest, having silly fun with the pup, and asking for help from trainers and vets and other supports like dog sitters. Have fun with it. Breathe. Relax. Lower your expectations and let the joy in. https://www.thewildest.com/dog-beha...BgWrLQE8Wch_rSwYBcBoC_W4QAvD_BwE&gad_source=1

 

[jbradley57]

@complexsimpleton This timeline is incredibly helpful thank you so much for sharing!

 

[simonvarghese67]

@jbradley57 Oh yikes! If you're managing to reduce the toilet accidents, he knows his name and -maybe- a sit, you're doing bloody brilliant.

Training does start as soon as you get home, but we're talking basics. Absolute basics. Leash training at this stage is literally "Don't freak out at this thing attached to you" not perfect walking manners on the first week. That takes time - a lot of time, and repetition.

Cut yourself some slack, talk to your vet about a puppy class with realistic expectations and ditch the miracle videos. Training should be fun and positive, not pressure or stressful.

 

[soulinneed]

@jbradley57 i think it's also easy to fall victim to social media. Youtube is a great resource, but so many training videos give you a very unrealistic representation of what training a puppy is actually like. these are professional trainers who have trained hundreds of dogs, and for their demo videos they usually use dogs that are already partially trained or at least don't have problem behaviour.

training a puppy is never going to be as easy as it seems from a 5 min Youtube video. teaching even basic commands takes a huge amount of repetition and reinforcement and above all patience and consistency. don't try and teach too much too fast, focus on getting the basics nailed and do them over and over and over again.

a lot of training a good puppy comes down to learning to be a good trainer, which means learning to be a calm and consistent leader, knowing when to train, when to stop and to be forgiving of your puppy and yourself! id recommend watching vids of training sessions where a trainer is teaching the owner and pup, rather than the edited instructional videos. it gives you a more realistic perspective.

it will get better!

 

[prince231986]

@soulinneed "Youtube is a great resource, but so many training videos give you a very unrealistic representation of what training a puppy is actually like."

There was a video of a girl feeding her puppy kibble to distract him while she brushed his hair, and the puppy was so calm and happily munching. Yeah, Monster never ever one time fell for that. She still loses her shit when I brush her and nothing will distract her.

 

[garnett64]

@jbradley57 Yes be more gracious with yourself OP. You can join r/labrador to get breed specific advice and common traits. Every dog is different but all puppies are nippy and a pest if they do not get enough stimulation. Play time with tug, fetch, mental stimulation(puzzles, snuffle mats, lick mats, puppy non rawhide chews, etc), and enforced naps. Once your puppy is 12 weeks get the puppy vaccines and check for a local doggy day care. Training usually is just potty training, bite inhibition, and house manners for puppies. Older dogs (dogs older than 6 months) help out a lot with teaching puppies manners and appropriate behavior as well. You can do play dates or dog park visits (start when there’s not many dogs) once your puppy gets vaccinated. Facebook is great for that and you can ask in your local community pages or just search. This is a baby so you mainly just need to provide security, food, and affection.

 

[christinam]

@jbradley57 I made this mistake with my first puppy, too. I got him and was immediately gung ho with all the training. It was frustrating feeling that I had to manage all his behaviors, good and bad and that definitely contributed to the puppy blues.

With my second puppy we worked on recall and that’s pretty much it. We went to puppy class for socialization but didn’t practice much at home. We did tons of play and enforced naps. My young dog is now a bit of a mess training-wise but nothing we can’t handle. It helps that we have a good relationship. And the second time I fully skipped the puppy blues.

 

[lww1204]

@jbradley57 Always good to remember, training can start at this point, but its a process! You shouldn't expect results. Just have fun! It's a lot of work but also cuteness and play and cuddles (sometimes). Those are also all training, especially in terms of good socialisation. There are some materials on the stages of a puppy that are good to read, and that age is mostly just exposing your puppy to things positively. If it's not dangerous based on where you live, you can take him out in a bag or backpack to see things, smell things, hear things so he knows that discovering stuff with you is safe and fun. That, potty training, abs starting acquired bite inhibition (starting, not finishing, he's gonna bite the shit out of you with those tiny needles anyway) are more than enough for the next few weeks, at least.