How do you deal with how limited your life is b/c of your dog?

[abid14385]

I’m just feeling pretty bummed out about all the things that are so hard or off the table bc of my dog’s reactivity. When I got my dog I really wanted to be able to go solo camping with them and just generally get out more and have adventures. I was naive. Camping really doesn’t seem like an option with the dog I got. We can barely take her anywhere. I feel so held back and just sad and am wondering how other people cope with the limits placed on their lives because of their dogs.

EDIT: Overwhelmed with everyone’s supportive, encouraging, and nonjudgmental comments. I’m really grateful for this online community. I wrote this post in a moment of feeling low and discouraged and am now at work, but will try to respond to everyone’s replies today!!

 

[uoamerica]

@abid14385 My main advice would be to let go of the dog you wanted and get to know the dog you have. It's easier said than done, but all dogs are different, even those who are reactive.

With my late girl, I could not have people over or take her to dog parks or take her for a walk in the city without being 100% engaged all the time. But: she was great on hikes with me, loved camping, and could be off-leash in an unpopulated area without worrying about her running away. She was truly a velcro dog. I just needed to find the right place and time for us to do those things.

You might need to take time to mourn all the things you are not be able to do with your dog, but then you can still find some ways to let her have a rich, satisfying life - just different from that of the happy-go-lucky dogs we're used to seeing.

And ultimately, in the span of our lives, our dog's lives are so short. When my girl died, I didn't really care anymore about what I missed. I just wished I could have prolonged her life. In short, be patient and try to appreciate the good qualities your dog does have.

 

[brendanprays]

@uoamerica It’s so true. it’s just 10-15 years, and I’ll have the rest of my life to do whatever I want after (knock on wood). But for our dogs, it’s their entire lifetime with us.

 

[avivah0717]

@brendanprays Happy cake day and so damn true

 

[kidwindy001]

@uoamerica This!!! Once I learned how reactive my rescue pup was, I was super bummed about all the things we wouldn’t be able to do. I sort of had to “break up” with the idea of the dog I wanted and it truly made me love the dog I got more.

 

[smissy]

@uoamerica I agree with this, and I think once you’ve mourned and accepted your dog… have fun with them! You don’t need to be outside or around other people to enjoy the presence of your pup. Take time to play alone, teach them fun ways to interact, pay attention to their body language, learn who they are like you would a new partner. Just love your dog. Once you’ve sorted out your expectations from reality, life gets so much easier. In fact, the bond you build with your pup makes taking care of their nuanced needs easier too. I know what I can and cannot do, and my pup trusts me enough to help him navigate something new so we can (little by little) figure out our compromises. It’s a journey! But finally learning to just love the dog in front of me was the best thing I did for him… and for myself.

 

[heretolong]

@uoamerica This also, just 100% give yourself permission to board, get the dog trainer, work through and find someone who your dog feels comfortable being dog sat by. Worth the investment

 

[alexkline]

@heretolong It can be tough finding a boarding place/dog sitter depending on the level of your dog’s reactivity. My MIL used to dog sit our dog until he became selectively dog reactive and tried to attack her dog. He’s always been selectively people reactive but in the past did well with people who had dogs (as they were enough of a distraction). Once he started becoming dog reactive my husband and I didn’t go away anywhere together for a few years. We ended up finding a boarding place that was experienced handling reactive dogs, selected dogs to play in groups together, and said that if he showed any signs of aggression he’d be isolated. That initially put me off, but what was the alternative? He did okay when we left him for 2 weeks but he does not like boarding at all, so it breaks my heart to leave him there.

 

[ldw0021]

@uoamerica I love this response

 

[murunwa]

@uoamerica Having a hard time with this conversation and my SO. He is getting resentful but I took my pup in and I’ve made adjustments to accept him(pup) into my life.

 

[tina8462]

@uoamerica This is beautiful and so very true. For me it’s management and enjoying the times that I am able to with my pup. I love him so much, and I’m thankful for the times that we have together even though it’s not what I planned on.

 

[westernrose]

@abid14385 Not sure if this will work for you, but we've worked out a really great system for camping with our reactive girl. During the days we're out hiking or swimming and she does pretty well, but our problems begin in the evenings at the site. She barks at people walking by, can't settle, etc. It was really stressful. We began using the truck as a safe space and it was a difference-maker. This worked because she loves the car and genuinely feels safe in there. We just put her in the car with her blanket, and sit nearby and enjoy the fire and she sleeps. She's happier than if we made her try to settle outdoors by the fire where she doesn't feel safe and there are unfamiliar people walking by. We're right there near her if she needs anything, but it gives her space to just shut down and relax.

 

[thebodythebride]

@westernrose We do the exact same thing with our reactive boy! He gets to hang out in the van and rest and he feels so much safer in there.

 

[imagebeastmarkbeast]

@abid14385 One the biggest things that helped alleviate this feeling for me was finding a trustworthy dog walker and house sitter who took the time to meet my dog properly and learn about his behaviors. Now I can leave my dog at home more often without worrying about how he’s doing. Sometimes I feel a bit sad that he can’t come with me everywhere, but then I remember he’s much happier at home anyway. A little break from each other is good for both of us; he gets to socialize with someone who’s not me, and I get some freedom from managing my dog all the time.

 

[refei]

@abid14385 Embrace the dog you have. We took nose work classes which should be designed for reactive dogs. I made life long friends. My dog won't go on walks but will sniff in a field. So I take him to fields. There are a handful of people he's safe with and we have dinner parties with just those people. They've all become friends. I hired a behaviorist to help me with him and she gave me tips for getting out with him. We don't camp but we take car rides into the country. Found a turkey farm and they let me drive through their property so he can watch the turkeys. He's a bird dog and it shows. What I thought life was going to be and what it turned out to be are different. It was hard for me to give up on the dream of what are life would be like. We've found new things. I wish you luck.

 

[algernon22]

@abid14385 This is a great question. I appreciate you asking it as I’ve been thinking the same thing lately. I don’t have a great answer but have given up some expectations I have placed on my pup and tried to come to terms of where we currently are. I’ve given myself permission to board her more often (we have a wonderful option that she loves and is loved) so I can do some of the things I want. Camping isn’t something my pooch can handle right now, but I’m not ruling it out of the question down the road. I have had my dog for a year and she comes from a bad place with no socialization. Over the last year, I’ve continued to question myself whether our home is best for her and for us. This far it is, and likely will continue to be. But sometimes I do mourn some of the things we used to do with our previous non reactive dogs. Current dog is learning a lot—-and we are too.

 

[dreamer23]

@abid14385 Your post is like I wrote it!! I was where you are just a few months ago. Assuming your baby is crate trained (and if he isnt, id work on that first and positive muzzle training second!) Go out for dinner and drinks. I'm serious. Get away from your dog, even for a few hours. Take a break and let you feel like yourself again. If it wasn't the dog's reactivity it could be anything else life throws your way. There is always something that will be difficult to manage temporarily and gets easier with time, and the stress that comes with a reactive dog is no different! Take time to feel like yourself by relaxing or going out with friends or doing whatever you like to do that feels you revitalized. Then, slowly, you'll not only feel better which will reduce your stress, but it will also reduce his. Also, personally anti anxiety medication helped IMMENSELY with my reactive dog. Good luck! My dms are open.

 

[mudpuddle]

@abid14385 I've learned to reframe a lot of my expectations. We've also seen great progress with medication and training - but, we'll have had him for two years come July 5th, so time also plays a part.

The dog I wanted doesn't exist. All dogs have silly zoomies and pull before they learn and are a whole lot. Would I have loved a dog that could sit with me at a coffee shop, or on a patio? Sure, yeah. But we can still do things. Just, different things. I know my boy loves us, and that means a lot. I'm a work in progress, so of course he is, too.

 

[acwtd94]

@abid14385 I remember this part. It was so hard - I thought about all the things I'd wanted to do with my dog and how I could have dragged him there but it wasn't fair to him. I remember crying so many nights because I had this brilliant life planned out for my future dog and my current dog couldn't do it.

For a long time, it was just that. Managing his reactions, dealing with his issues, thinking of all the things I couldn't do with him.

And then I started finding the things he could do. Private dog parks are his happy place. Busy areas are hard, but AirBnBs or campgrounds in quiet places are places we can walk forever. We can go to all the best parks on rainy days and who cares about being a bit wet when he's having the time of his life. He hates getting up early and wants snuggles if I'm going to set an early alarm. He's not a dog's dog, but he loves when people take the time to get to know him and visit him. He loves watching the kids at the splash pad near our place during the summer.

He's three now and we're long-haulers on the reactivity front. I still sometimes feel limited when I know I'm being faced with a situation that's going to be hard for him or have been leaving him alone a lot. But we've figured out our life together and there's peace in knowing small sacrifices on my end (I'm a homebody, so maybe it's easier for me) are going to give him his best ~12 years. It took me a long time, but it comes.

 

[adamricks]

@abid14385 I second the opinion of letting go of what you expected out of the dog and get to know the dog you have. Maybe a hike/ camp can still happen if it’s a quiet park with not a lot of other dogs and people.

I also really strongly suggest a break. Go out for dinner and drinks. Have someone your trust take care of your dog while you go do something you love. You gotta take care of yourself too.