Disappointed

C

cowgirlup727

New member
Background: I've had my reactive female shepherd mix for almost 3 years. I'll refer to her as S. We've made much progress. I had no idea she was reactive when I adopted her- I kept her for the same reasons others in this chatroom have kept their challenging dogs. I feel that I have learned a lot from the experience but it also has been hard.

I have a friend who is like family who has been a great support. She has listened to me, and has allowed me and S to visit her big suburban house where S feels comfortable bc my friend and her son are loving to her. My friend also has given me monetary gifts to help with S's training expenses.

Problem: Today, for the first time, I took S for a walk w my friend on her quiet suburban street . Just as we were starting, S pulled and I did some talking and actions as part of my leash training for S. For the first time, my friend did a 180 degree turn around - saying that my talking to S is annoying, what I'm doing isn't working, maybe the other people who have questioned my training techniques are right (these few people have been nosey, and believe in Caeser like techniques or think I do too much treating). She suggested that maybe I should try just letting the dog walk with no interference - she said is S really so different from other dogs? I explained that l need to train S when she pulls especially since I can get hurt My friend knows NOTHING about dogs - she's not a dog mom. Just usually a kind (but anxious) person who has been my ally.

I was shell shocked. We decided to part ways and I went home. I left a note thanking her for hospitality.

My only explanation is that I overstayed my welcome on this Saturday - I had slept over her house the nite b/f, overslept b/c the alarm didn't go off, and then hung out till about 6 pm. Almost 24 hours. I also think I talk too much about S to my friend who is a good listener. I think she was tired with me, and reached her annoyed threshold.

I know that this is a particular situation - but it also fits under the theme often discussed here of people just not understanding and judging. I am tired of explaining to people and defending what I do. So many people just don't understand what it's like helping a reactive dog. It also fits under the theme of where to get support - not tiring out one's friends.

S was a hot mess when I adopted her and she's a lot better now and my heart broke with disappointment, confusion, and anger when my friend said " well, what you're doing isn't working "

I hope we can come to an understanding. I'm definitely gonna be adjusting my interactions w/ my friend.

Thanks for this subreddit.

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@cowgirlup727 Maybe something is going on in her life and she felt frustrated that you were talking a lot about your dog that weekend?

She sounds like a wonderful friend who has gone the extra mile for you. It seems like what she said was out of character so I’m thinking it has nothing to do about how you were handling/training your dog. She sounds like she was upset/irritated about something else and redirected it to your dog.

Just my 2 cents
 
@mickey38 Ironically, she has supported me, but now when I think back, she has often expressed annoyance when she has actually seen me train S. But that's usually in her house, when S is calm and the training is low key. When she expresses annoyance, I can just ignore it b/c the training cues are quick and the stakes aren't high. But I couldn't slough off her comment outside because S"s pulling can really hurt me and I had to remind S not to pull, which does take more than a few seconds So, we had an exchange where she said all this stuff that revealed that she really doesn't get it.

In addition, in general, I think I talk too much about my dog with her. I think that's probably annoying after awhile. I'm gonna stop that.

Thank you for your 2 cents! Your response has helped me get clearer about what's going on.
 
@cowgirlup727 I mean this very gently, but while it's fine that your dog is the center of your world, she is not the center of your friend's world. I suspect that a very high percentage of your conversations are about your struggles with S because your friend is such a supportive listener, and over the course of three years, she may feel burnt out on being a listening ear for what sounds to her like a constant, unchanging problem. Not to say that you haven't made progress, but to someone unfamiliar with reactive dogs, it may seem like she should be "fixed" by now.

Try to be cognizant of how you're showing up in conversations with your friend. Do you talk about other things, or is your side of the conversation always about S? Do you provide as much support to her as she provides to you? Having a reactive dog can feel very isolating, but you have to be careful to not dump all the worries and frustrations onto one supportive person.
 
@jamesdb I think you've touched on what has been going on. I've been aware of this dynamic for awhile, and have adjusted how much I talk about S with her, but I still have been talking w/ her about S too much. Thanks for your gentle comment!
 
@cowgirlup727 I totally get it. I have to vlbe very conscious of the same issue. Especially during the pandemic, since training and hanging out with the dogs is pretty much all we do anymore. This community has been am awesome outlet for my need to talk about this stuff with people who actually want to hear it.
 
I received this message from her this morning:
"Im sorry if my comments to you today made you feel bad or upset.
It wasn’t my intention to hurt your feelings.
I guess I don’t understand the whole behavioral thing with dogs. And I haven’t experienced a dog that needed that amount of training/intervention".
 
@cowgirlup727 That’s good - sounds like you both can work towards a better understanding of your perspectives and friendship.

And it can be difficult for non-dog owners to understand behavioral issues, especially with rescues. It’s a lot of work and progress can be slow. Hope your training continues and your friendship thrives OP.
 
@cowgirlup727 I’m glad you removed the tidbit where you compared your dog to a special needs child. She’s a parent, and if you made that comparison to her, I would not blame her for removing herself from the situation out of pure annoyance
 
@cowgirlup727 There is no greater 'expert' on your dog than someone who does not live with your dog 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! They know even more if they have never had a dog, particularly one like your dog. If they have never had a reactive dog, and are giving you training tips, well my dog they are right up there with the professionals that use aversive training methods They will spew all sorts of nonsense and offer up the wisdom of Cesar Millan himself, dog abuser to the masses. Afterall, what better way to build a bond and create trust with your dog than to use aversive training methods. These experts see his ‘instant’ results and think he is the messiah! What they don’t see is the knife jabs and kicks to the ribs that go along with his “tsssst” correction. They don’t comprehend the fear terror some of these dogs are enduring.

You are doing the best for your dog and your dog is learning at her speed. What you are doing is working; don’t let anyone tell you any different. As you know, training is an ongoing and lifelong endeavor, and just as we don’t work for free, neither should our dogs. Talking and treating your dog is payment for a job well done. I’m going to suggest a video for you that deals with pulling, the technique is very effective and easy to do. Bonus video on how to pet your dog.

Please don’t blame yourself for what happened today. I think your friend was out of line. She may have had expectations about how the walk was going to go, and it didn't happen the way she wanted.

Your pup is lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have your pup. Those of us with reactive dogs -- we have your back!

How to stop your dog from pulling

How to pet your dog
 
@cowgirlup727 I find that people who don’t own reactive dogs expect training techniques to work immediately. They think if it doesn’t work the first time, it’s obviously the wrong technique. Had this issue myself many times! It’s very discouraging. I saw that your friend apologized, that’s great! She admitted she didn’t know much about dog behavior, so hopefully this means she is more open minded than her comments sounded. Good luck!
 
@kolox Thank you! I was heartened by her message too. There's a lack of understanding about dogs in general, and reactive dogs. I've learned a lot from having S and there's so much I still don't understand and can learn.
 
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