This is not a new story. I’m sure it’s common to this group. I don’t know why I’m posting it. Probably just an mental health exercise to have it all in one place. Perhaps in the future when I have doubts or second thoughts, i can return here and re-read the mental space I was in. I don’t need advice. My wife and I have spent the past 24 hours going over it time and again.
Backstory:
I’m not a dog person. I never have been. My wife grew up with dogs. Lots of dogs. Her son (14) also grew up with dogs. My son (11, split custody) also likes dogs, although I never had one. His mother, my ex has a live-together boyfriend who had a dog that recently passed. Which is why my son has some dog experience.
Ever since getting married three years ago my wife has talked about wanting a dog. I’ve always felt a little bad, like that I was making her less than perfectly happy by always being the “no dog” guy. Finally two months ago I started thinking about her ultimate happiness and so I lightened up on the dog thing.
This Saturday we were driving around aimlessly and it was my idea to visit a few shelters. We encountered an 8-week old female black lab and it was mostly me who was pushing for it. The dog is quite well behaved, smart, not a barker, but a dog. Rather than fully committing to adoption we decided to do a short foster run of 2-3 weeks, just to be sure. The shelter doesn’t normally like to do fostering with puppies, but they agreed. We took her home Saturday afternoon. Yesterday morning (Sunday, our first full day with her, and likely our only full day with her) we awoke to poop in four places in the kitchen living room along with pee puddles. We cleaned it all up at 5:30am before my wife left for work. I’ve been watching training videos and reading dog training posts like crazy. We’d purchase floor pads because a friend of mine swears by them, but then later yesterday I was speaking to a trainer who said we were doing it all wrong and needed to buy a crate and ditch the pads. I don’t want to get into the details of potty training, but this project was all on me, the non dog lover.
I naively assumed that my wife and kids would take up the brunt of the puppy car dog care because it was they who most wanted the dog. But since I work from home and my wife doesn’t, and since I drive the kids to and from school, the walks and dog care would all fall on me from 6am to 4pm most days.
Before I go on I’ll clarify that we live in a 2BR apartment, with no backyard. There’s no place for the dog to roam free. Also my wife and I are trying to have a baby and that’s more where my interests lay. I think the puppy would drain my baby care energy and the baby would drain my puppy care energy and I’d thus be offering worse care to puppy and worse care to future baby.
I was hoping yesterday to see the 14yo taking full care of the dog. The deal we had was that during school days I would take care of the dog, but on weekends and non school hours the wife and kids would take care of the dog. But even during the first day that’s not what happened. The 14 year old was playing video game with his friend and I had to micromanage him to take the puppy on walks, etc. In fact most of my day yesterday was dog related, buying a crate and black light and dog toys at the store and timing the meals and expected poop times. It was a burden on my day off but I just want everyone to be happy.
Thankfully my wife had been increasingly thinking this wouldn’t work. She knows the burden was falling mainly on me. I appreciate that she was think about me probably more than I was.
After work yesterday we had several long talks. Realistically trying to see how this would all work. We kept circling around but always landing on the notion that the puppy wasn’t a good fit for our situation.
It’s 2am Monday, our 36th hour of having this puppy and the plan is that I will return the puppy later this morning. I don’t want to adversely affect the puppy and I think having it for less than 48 hours won’t have a negative impact on its permanent home prospects. I do feel terrible though. The 14yo is most sad and has been crying alot. Neither my wife nor I have cried, but we both like the dog.
That’s the plan. I don’t know why I’m sharing this story. Mainly for my own mental health. If ever I was going to have a dog, I would be fine with this dog. But the situation is toughest on me and I’m not naturally inclined to dogs. If it was a cat then I’d have less issues. I don’t enjoy living in an apartment with a catbox, but I could cope as cats are much less maintenance and I like playing with cats. But big picture this isn’t a cat v dog situation because my wife and the 14yo don’t like cats.
It will be sad driving to the shelter today. Not sad for the dog, but sad that I don’t think our situation is good for the dog nor for me mainly.
Also part of this is that I know dogs live 15-17 years and the kids, especially the 14 year old will likely be starting college in 3 1/2 years. That would mean 100% the dog would be in the care of my wife and I for the remaining 12 years of the dogs life. Although I want to give the kids their happiest childhood, I fear that I’ll be burdened and less free once the kids are in college. I don’t know our exact long term plans, but we may move out of country when the kids start college. I don’t see us living in a house with a backyard for several years and if we move to another country we’d probably start off there in a smaller apartment than what we have now. And if we have another child, that child would be around 7-8 and I feel like my attention would be too scattered to be the best father I could be.
Anyway, it’s a sad day for our family, but for the dog’s sake and for my own mental health we decided to return the puppy.
Backstory:
I’m not a dog person. I never have been. My wife grew up with dogs. Lots of dogs. Her son (14) also grew up with dogs. My son (11, split custody) also likes dogs, although I never had one. His mother, my ex has a live-together boyfriend who had a dog that recently passed. Which is why my son has some dog experience.
Ever since getting married three years ago my wife has talked about wanting a dog. I’ve always felt a little bad, like that I was making her less than perfectly happy by always being the “no dog” guy. Finally two months ago I started thinking about her ultimate happiness and so I lightened up on the dog thing.
This Saturday we were driving around aimlessly and it was my idea to visit a few shelters. We encountered an 8-week old female black lab and it was mostly me who was pushing for it. The dog is quite well behaved, smart, not a barker, but a dog. Rather than fully committing to adoption we decided to do a short foster run of 2-3 weeks, just to be sure. The shelter doesn’t normally like to do fostering with puppies, but they agreed. We took her home Saturday afternoon. Yesterday morning (Sunday, our first full day with her, and likely our only full day with her) we awoke to poop in four places in the kitchen living room along with pee puddles. We cleaned it all up at 5:30am before my wife left for work. I’ve been watching training videos and reading dog training posts like crazy. We’d purchase floor pads because a friend of mine swears by them, but then later yesterday I was speaking to a trainer who said we were doing it all wrong and needed to buy a crate and ditch the pads. I don’t want to get into the details of potty training, but this project was all on me, the non dog lover.
I naively assumed that my wife and kids would take up the brunt of the puppy car dog care because it was they who most wanted the dog. But since I work from home and my wife doesn’t, and since I drive the kids to and from school, the walks and dog care would all fall on me from 6am to 4pm most days.
Before I go on I’ll clarify that we live in a 2BR apartment, with no backyard. There’s no place for the dog to roam free. Also my wife and I are trying to have a baby and that’s more where my interests lay. I think the puppy would drain my baby care energy and the baby would drain my puppy care energy and I’d thus be offering worse care to puppy and worse care to future baby.
I was hoping yesterday to see the 14yo taking full care of the dog. The deal we had was that during school days I would take care of the dog, but on weekends and non school hours the wife and kids would take care of the dog. But even during the first day that’s not what happened. The 14 year old was playing video game with his friend and I had to micromanage him to take the puppy on walks, etc. In fact most of my day yesterday was dog related, buying a crate and black light and dog toys at the store and timing the meals and expected poop times. It was a burden on my day off but I just want everyone to be happy.
Thankfully my wife had been increasingly thinking this wouldn’t work. She knows the burden was falling mainly on me. I appreciate that she was think about me probably more than I was.
After work yesterday we had several long talks. Realistically trying to see how this would all work. We kept circling around but always landing on the notion that the puppy wasn’t a good fit for our situation.
It’s 2am Monday, our 36th hour of having this puppy and the plan is that I will return the puppy later this morning. I don’t want to adversely affect the puppy and I think having it for less than 48 hours won’t have a negative impact on its permanent home prospects. I do feel terrible though. The 14yo is most sad and has been crying alot. Neither my wife nor I have cried, but we both like the dog.
That’s the plan. I don’t know why I’m sharing this story. Mainly for my own mental health. If ever I was going to have a dog, I would be fine with this dog. But the situation is toughest on me and I’m not naturally inclined to dogs. If it was a cat then I’d have less issues. I don’t enjoy living in an apartment with a catbox, but I could cope as cats are much less maintenance and I like playing with cats. But big picture this isn’t a cat v dog situation because my wife and the 14yo don’t like cats.
It will be sad driving to the shelter today. Not sad for the dog, but sad that I don’t think our situation is good for the dog nor for me mainly.
Also part of this is that I know dogs live 15-17 years and the kids, especially the 14 year old will likely be starting college in 3 1/2 years. That would mean 100% the dog would be in the care of my wife and I for the remaining 12 years of the dogs life. Although I want to give the kids their happiest childhood, I fear that I’ll be burdened and less free once the kids are in college. I don’t know our exact long term plans, but we may move out of country when the kids start college. I don’t see us living in a house with a backyard for several years and if we move to another country we’d probably start off there in a smaller apartment than what we have now. And if we have another child, that child would be around 7-8 and I feel like my attention would be too scattered to be the best father I could be.
Anyway, it’s a sad day for our family, but for the dog’s sake and for my own mental health we decided to return the puppy.
it was one of the most difficult days of my life as she was absolutely perfect