Reactive dog and child, at wit's end

[dawn4311]

Hey everyone. This is my first time posting and I'm in desperate need of advice. I don't even know if this is the right sub but I don't really know where else to post.

I have an 8 year old beagle who is fear reactive and has very clear boundaries with certain things - like tail and feet touching. I will be honest and say that I have not done any work with her on her reactivity. My father passed away last year and I have been in school the past two, and before that I was living abroad. I know these aren't excuses, just details. Recently, my sister and her two children moved back home. They are 14 and 3. She is in the process of getting a divorce.

Her 14 y.o. daughter is great with the dog. She grew up with her and knows her boundaries. Her 3 y.o. son, not so much. They have a dog that is her ex husband's that they pretty much let him do whatever to, and the dog just lets it happen. Now that they are living here, that attitude has transferred to my 8 y.o. beagle, and she has not taken kindly to it.

We have warned him, we have told him to leave the dogs alone (i.e., no tail pulling, no hitting or kicking,), we have disciplined with time outs and toys taken away. I was working last night, and received a call from my mom that he did something and she reacted by nipping at him. She got him in the face. It's a small cut but it's still a cut.

My sister and I got in a heavy argument this morning about the dog. She believes that if the dog bites, the dog should be disciplined, regardless of the situation. I told her that her son NEEDS to learn that the dogs are not play things, and they have boundaries.

My dog does not bite unprovoked, and never has. She has only ever growled or nipped when there is a catalyst, even with the dog we rescued in December. They have gotten along just fine.

I don't want my dog to bite my nephew. I don't want him to get hurt, but no matter what we do he keeps getting in her space and not listening when we tell him he can't do that.

Is there anyone who has experience with this? If I have to, I will hire someone, I just don't know where to go from here. I don't want my dog to be put down or removed because of this. She means the world to me, I just want to fix this.

EDIT: Thank you everyone for your advice. I want to clarify that I definitely don't blame my nephew. He's young and I know it's hard to teach boundaries at that age. I'm going to try and develop a plan with my family in hopes that we can keep them both safe until further notice.

 

[musu]

@dawn4311 Id start by just not allowing the kid to interact with the dog at all, separate them at all times, especially when you’re not present. Yes is not your dogs fault, but a 3yo won’t really get that and you don’t want your dog actually hurting the kid or the dog getting constantly stressed out. Is the dog crate trained? Otherwise I’d start with that. Baby gates to keep the dog in rooms where the 3yo has no access etc. While you’re out, dog stays in his crate, put the crate somewhere safe and quiet, like your bedroom, and says that this space is completely out of limits. I don’t have training tips, but you can contact a good positive only trainer or behaviourist to ask for advice in how to proceed with the reactivity. But that will take some time and right now you need to protect both the dog and the child. If the dog actually goes for the child, you could end up having to euthanise him and no one wants that. So I’d start by sorting this out while looking for professional help

 

[aftergodsheart]

@musu I would also go so far as to lock the room door while away.

I will have to disagree with the sister on disclipilne. It only establishes a negative relation & could result in the dog hiding it's warning signals then biting out of "no where."

 

[musu]

@aftergodsheart That’s so true. Punishing dogs for communicating they are uncomfortable is a very bad idea! I find funny that people are like that sometimes, dogs can’t speak, they communicate the way they can and we need to learn how to listen. My dog is very okay with being touched and cuddled but I am always paying attention to any signs she had enough. Usually the first thing she will do is yawn, it usually means she is not comfortable with the situation she is in. My neighbour has a 12yo daughter that is lovely, her and her cousin adore my dog and I always let them play/cuddle her as she loves children anyways. But I always tell them how to interact with her and I am always attentive to any signs my dog is not comfortable so I can take her out of the situation. It is very important to teach children how to interact with dogs and animals in general, but in the end of the day, they are still children, and as adults and pet owners we are the ones responsible to advocate for our pets safety, because wanting it or not, if our dogs end up hurting someone, it will be our responsibility.

 

[azure_acadia]

@musu I used to volunteer with a dog shelter. We would occasionally take a few dogs to a local pet store/beach/hardware store/etc to get them out of the shelter and get them some attention from the public.

I had this one dog who was my absolute favourite. He was a greyhound x staffy and I loved him to bits. He was really good with people and loved kids and all kinds of dogs. He would however get tired out if there were too many people around. His signs were subtle but I’d spent enough time with him to know that when he started to stand a little closer to me or turn his face slightly away from people, it was time to take him for a walk away from the crowd.

For those who might be curious he got adopted by an amazing family that take him camping all the time

 

[dawn4311]

@musu Thank you for your comment. I know that one of the bedrooms is a sort of safe space for her, so I think I may be able to teach her it's okay to spend some more time in there. She prefers quieter environments so maybe this will work.

 

[nobodyspecial]

@dawn4311 Seconding that baby gates are clutch! We got them for our house and we don’t even have a baby and they were life changing. Also it sounds like your dog is not that bad and maybe your sister needs a vibe check here. Of course it’s not the baby’s fault but it’s not the dog’s either and you’re still hosting her. Your dog was here first - no need to get rid of it, OR discipline it, because at this point the dog will not remember why it’s being punished.

 

[dawn4311]

@nobodyspecial We do have a number of gates up already, we got them when both nephews started to walk because of stairs and kitchen, and one separates the bedroom my 8 y.o. dog is most comfortable in. It would not be hard, I think, to help teach her that's a space she can be alone and quiet in.

I'm hesitant to say she's not that bad because I don't want to believe my dog is infallible. I know she's not, but I also don't want this situation to escalate any further. Me and my sister both agree that we need to keep her son away from the dog as much as is possible, even if it means separating them a lot or permanently for the time being. I don't blame my nephew at all, I know it's a difficult age but it's the first time I have ever been in this situation and I want to do my best to make sure everyone is safe.

 

[littlelamb29]

@nobodyspecial That’s what I’m saying.

 

[jamespyles]

@dawn4311 That dog needs a break from all this. There aren't a lot of shades of gray for 3 year olds, it can end up being an all or nothing deal. I'd keep the dog away from the kid completely and start working on her reactivity but NOT with the purpose of reintroducing, just making the dog happier and healthier. The boy will grow up and understand more everyday.

AS for your sister idk man, her dog gets no training or discipline but yours is the problem? Sucks.

I'm a newist mom with a reactive dog and he has kind of nervously lunged at her once or twice but after that, they were totally separated for months. she's 1.5 now and she understands "gentle" and what the dog will and won't tolerate. They are still mostly separated but there have been some hopeful moments. I also got my dog on some anti-depressants ( needed to happy, long time coming) which has helped A TON along with training and exercise exercise exercise.

 

[dawn4311]

@jamespyles We had our dog on an anti anxiety medication for a little bit not long after my dad passed since she was very close to him, but our vet told us to wean her off them after about a month. I thought that was strange, I didn't say anything at the time. Now I know a little more about reactivity and meds and I am considering discussing it with the vet again.

It's only three weeks but it's very clear she's stressed. She doesn't have a huge amount of exposure to children, and the unpredictability is a noticeable stressor for her. He does start preschool this week in the morning and I work evenings, so I hope I can take this time to do more with her and ease some of the stress she is feeling.

 

[jamespyles]

@dawn4311 Best of luck to you all!

 

[jonowebb]

@dawn4311 So it really boils down to that as the situation currently stands that the child and dog can not roam free unsupervised. Absolutely not. For both their protection.

This means managing the environment (if you buy xpens they are great because when not setting them up in a circle they are super long fencing + can attach more to each other. It might not look pretty but it could give you an opportunity to create a large area for your dog to roam freely.
Humans can simply step over the fencing to go from 1 part to the other part and if the 3yo needs to be in a different area you can swap them (dog goes from area A to B etc) or choose to only allow kid in the area the dog roams supervised by adult.

 

[metalgreymon]

@dawn4311 Send your sister this link:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...y-children-suffer-the-greatest-risk-dog-bites

 

[stranger36147]

@dawn4311 Your nephew is a 3 year old - you shouldn't expect anything from him at this age, if you do, you're in for trouble. This was my mistake and my son got bit in the face. After 2 years, the scar is still there and its a daily reminder of how I screwed up. You shouldn't have a reactive dog near a child that is less than 8 years old.

You think your sister doesn't know that her son needs to learn that animals have boundaries? A 3 year old's job is to constantly test boundaries, thats the developmental stage that they are in. He is not developmentally capable of fully understanding this concept right now and that won't even happen for a few years.

The dog and child need to be separated or have an adult between them at all times. End of story.

 

[dawn4311]

@stranger36147 I specified in my post that them living with us was an unexpected event and that's why I was seeking advice. Others have said to create a separate space for the dog and I will try that.

 

[stranger36147]

@dawn4311 Yes, I see that they are living with you but they need to remain seperate from eachother or have an adult between them at all times.

 

[dinny]

@dawn4311 The child needs to be taught 'leave it' when it comes to the dog.

I am with you, that the dog is a not plaything or something to lord over. The dog has its boundaries which he makes amply clear, and they must be respected. This is not an obedience issue (at least not from the dog's side).

Let's say the kid doesn't like being tickled and you continue to do so, the mom - your sis - gets upset with you, and your answer is "Well, the kid needs to learn to like being tickled and it's your responsibility to train him." - doesn't work that way.

The kid can play only if he will learn to play nicely with the dog. That's entirely acceptable and TBH, a great teaching moment for the kid to understand boundaries.

 

[dawn4311]

@dinny We've been working as best we can on his interactions with both dogs. We praise him when it's a good and positive interaction, and try to intervene when we feel it's getting dangerous or he's getting too rowdy. At times we have separated them to give them all space.

 

[rainwalker]

@dawn4311 You can up the reward value for the kid for more solid results. We had a really difficult 2.5 yr old at a daycare I worked at once, and with the parent's permission we sometimes used mini MnMs as serious reinforcement. Food rewards are powerful!