My Family’s Dog is Afraid Of Me, I’d Like To Help Her Feel More Comfortable

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pyroisonfire

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My family has a young mixed breed, predominantly a shepherd mix named Roxie. She’s about a medium sized dog. I’m not really a dog person, but I do love them! I just don’t understand their behaviours.

I don’t discipline her or mistreat her in any way. Typically we just leave one another alone. But when we’re in a situation where she has to be near me, she seems so afraid and it makes me sad.

I know it’s definitely my fault though, because she tends to chase after my cat when she’s with my cousin’s dog, Milo. When Milo or Roxie are on their own, they don’t chase, but they seem to spur one another on. So when I see the two of them around my cat, I will stand over him and protect him. I don’t shout at them or scare them away, it seems just my presence is enough to deter them.

As a result though, Roxie always rolls over when I come near her with her tail tucked way between her legs. She used to even pee when I came near her, which makes me feel terrible. She always runs away from me, and if we cross paths, she lowers her head and makes herself as small as possible. She’s never acted aggressively towards me though. I really don’t want her or Milo to chase my cat, but I don’t want her to be afraid. That’s not fair to her. Is there anything else I can do to help her feel more comfortable? Should I just leave her alone?

Edit: Milo is a very food motivated small terrier/pug mix, and he’s very smart, so it was easy to win him over with treats. Roxie is too scared of me to even take the food :/

Edit2: I also just in general don’t understand the way I’m supposed to interact with a dog. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to ‘dominate’ her or something like that, I don’t know whether I should make eye contact or whether I should talk happily or calmly. Cats are a lot easier to read to me lol
 
@pyroisonfire I definitely wouldn’t force anything. The best advice I have is to just start throwing treats on the ground near you when Roxie is around and let Roxie eat them off the floor. Or if she walks near you throw a treat for her. If you’re sitting on the floor watching tv, throw treats a few feet away from you. When Roxie starts coming up to you on her own, give her treats. At that point try holding out your hand to let her smell you and pet underneath her, not on top (reaching above dogs heads can make them nervous). And keep your interactions positive when you can. She’ll warm up to you eventually!!
 
@austinrnewton I really appreciate the advice about petting from underneath! I’m not good with dog behaviour, and what may seem obvious to a person with dogs, I’m completely oblivious to.

I’m trying my best to learn, but I’ve never had dogs scared of me before. I worry that I’m making her time around me upsetting, and I would be pretty sad if I messed up and made things even more unpleasant between us. She deserves to feel safe, happy and loved in her own home!
 
@pyroisonfire This is the answer, OP. I love how you want to make her comfortable.

The key here is to let her come to you. If she is already afraid of you, I don't think lots of petting and kissy noises is going to help. The idea is to give her the impression that you are the bringer and source of everything wonderful without putting any pressure on her.

Take over feeding duty. Carry tasty treats around with you. If your family is okay with it, be the only food provider for a week or two—just don't ask for anything in return until she is ready to interact. She needs to learn that you give her the very best things, but she doesn't have to be brave to earn it.

So, throw treats past her, not at her. This will teach her that you provide but she is not required to interact with you to get the food. In fact, this forces her to move or turn away from you, further removing pressure (and creating a sense of comfort/relief) after she has already looked your way, walked past you, seen you coming, etc.

Eventually, she will come to realize that you're the best person in the house, and the very tastiest things come to her in your presence. From there, as she gets more comfortable, pets under the chin or on the side of the neck may be welcomed. Lots of praise in a very gentle, upbeat, soft voice! And, of course, keep the treats coming! You may very well move into toys later as she allows.

I wish you luck!
 
@lilymaid This has been one of my favourite pieces of advice, honestly. I’ve been starting to get a little worried when I’m around her lately, and I was concerned my energy was also affecting her.

She has been a lot more comfortable with taking treats when I throw them past her at a distance, she doesn’t have to be brave at all! There’s already so much of a difference, even if it’s just small things it’s so heartening! She wagged her tail a little bit when I came by today. I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good sign, sometimes animal body language can mean multiple things, but I’d like to take it as a positive omen.

I intend to take my time and let her take hers. I don’t want to rush her at all. Thank you so much for your advice :)
 
@pyroisonfire Ahh, so glad to hear that this is helpful! :) I try this technique with fearful/nervous dogs all the time, and it works wonders! I think a lot of people tend to think that a dog has to "earn" their food, but this isn't necessarily a good tactic with anxious dogs. They first have to learn to trust you, and good things need to happen without conditions.

I wish you luck with this, and I hope you find lots of success and begin to develop a comfortable relationship with your pup!
 
@pyroisonfire Dogs are kinda like kids, if you only tell them no and don’t interact with them any further they won’t like you. Try sitting on the floor near her and making kissy noises and such until she comes to you then give her lots of pets and I mean lots if she’ll let you. Most dogs love scritches behind the ears. Over time positive interactions with her will let you build up enough trust with her to discipline her for chasing your cat without scaring her.
 
@cultureconfusion Thank you for your advice! I was hesitant interacting with her because I didn’t want to scare her even more. Hopefully she’ll feel comfortable approaching me when I get down to her level. I’ll bring treats, but I’m not hopeful on her taking any, she’s not very food motivated lol. If I could even get to the point where she regards me with indifference, I would be pleased :)
 
@oxhu Maybe once she becomes a little more comfortable with me, I’ll take her on walks! No one in my family walks her, only Milo, for some reason. We live on a farm so she has plenty of space to run around and play, but a structured walk time would be good for her and promote a little bonding between us! Thank you for the suggestion :)

Edit: I’ll look up videos on the proper training techniques for walking a dog that hasn’t been leash trained as well, so I don’t make her any more uncomfortable!
 
@pyroisonfire 1 small steak can be cut up into like 100 after cooking it with no seasoning. Then fed one by one by hand. Think of high value food and give that and you become associated with that high value food

Also try feeding her kibble by hand. If she doesn't want to eat by hand wait a day or two no kibble and she will eat from hand. If she won't eat from hand toss on ground at whatever distance she will eat and then over time get closer.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operant_conditioning
 
@pyroisonfire So a couple of body language tricks for scared dogs (from our trainer):

The following is considered confrontational by dogs:
  • walking directly towards them (try to walk on a curve instead)
  • sustained eye contact (look away every few seconds instead)
  • "Looming" (try not to stand above them or lean over them).
Look up dog body language stuff on YouTube. Look for the stuff that is dogs communicating they are feeling threatened. "Whale-eye" and lip-licking are the most useful to look for.

If you spot the scared body language, immediately look away and do a big yawn. It means "I'm not a threat". Plus also give them space. No point pressing on when they are stressed.

The comment about feeding her snacks is really good too. I would suggest not being stood up while you do it also, for "looming" reasons.

Do short, regular sessions and don't "discipline" them. It's really doesn't work and it just damages the relationship with the dog.

Reinforcement-based training is the currently accepted methodology. Cesar Milan is a TV charlatan.
 
@pyroisonfire Maybe put a worn t-shirt of yours on her favourite sleeping spot, so she gets more comfortable to your smell. When interacting with her, make yourself smaller than her, so you seem less threatening. Is she a playful dog? If so, this might also be a point of connection. Just try to observe what she’s into and try to engage on that. It would probably be really helpful if you could do that together with the person in your family she trusts the most, to make her feel more secure. Try to be in a good mood around her and don’t take it too personal - animals also have their preferences and it doesn’t have to make sense! Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or were too cruel to her in the past, while protecting your cat. Give her some time and space and she’ll come around eventually, when she realises that you’re actually fun to be around ❤️
 
@pyroisonfire Change your posture when you are around her, kneel on the floor or squat and offer treats. Men are tall and threatening because of your deep voice. Try using a high pitched baby voice too. Call her to you for pets and treats. You will be friends before you know it.
 
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