I’m two weeks in and I think I’m beyond the puppy blues at this point. I don’t think I can do this

[thejazzywriter]

Update, Jan 23: After I made this post, I spoke with the breeder and told her I was struggling and asked her for advice. She was amazing, giving me advice about some of the issues we’ve been having, but also said that she wants us to be happy, and that she would be there if we decided that now wasn’t the right time for us. I spoke with her again today and made the choice to give her back. It’s the most difficult decision I’ve ever made in my life, but after talking with my therapist, I knew it was the right choice and I was just prolonging the inevitable when I posted this. My heart is shattered. She is so incredible, so smart, and so beautiful, but this wasn’t puppy blues, it was a mental health crisis. We’re enjoying our last night together - we’re going to watch 101 Dalmatians and she’s going to sleep in the bed with us. I know it’s the right choice for her and for me, and I know that she’s going to find a family that is perfect for her and can give her the time and patience she needs. I learned a lot about myself the past couple of weeks and am proud that I’m putting my health first, which is something I’ve always struggled with. Thank you all for your comments and advice.

ETA: Thank you all for the advice! My partner and I are going to try some of the suggestions you’ve provided and see if it helps enough to get us through to when she’s fully vaccinated and can go to daycare. Fingers crossed.

I’m posting here mostly to vent, but advice is always welcome if anyone has been through anything similar.

I’m seriously considering rehoming my 10-week-old puppy, which breaks my heart to even write. She is incredible and beautiful and I love her so much. But I don’t know if I’m the person for her.

I wanted this so bad and did all of the research I possibly could before adopting her. I have two other well-trained dogs, so although she’s my first puppy, she’s not my first dog.

The issue I’m having is that I have no freedom to do anything in my life anymore. I’m not talking about not being able to go on last-minute trips or anything. I’m talking about not being able to brush my teeth because I can’t control this puppy.

The solutions people pose for this? Crate the dog for 5 minutes, they’ll be okay to be by themselves so you can care for yourself. Except I can’t do that, because even with working with a private trainer and all of the positive reinforcement in the world, unless she’s so tired she can’t stay awake, she can’t be in the crate for more than 10 seconds without freaking out. Let her cry? No, I can’t leave her alone because when I did that, she broke a tooth chewing on the crate door. Bitter spray/oil? Doesn’t deter her. A different crate? I tried.

Put her in a play pen and stay with her inside of it/near it? Tried that. She jumps against the walls and tries to climb out, ready to hurt herself again.

Put her on a leash? She tangles herself up, chews on the leash, and almost breaks her neck trying to jump away.

Puppy proof room? Tried that. She chews the base boards, walls, carpet, and jumps against the door, even when I’m there and she’s got plenty of toys.

Stuffed Kongs, frozen carrots, bully sticks? They can’t hold her attention if she’s stressed.

Exercising her, enforcing naps? It helps, but there’s not much I can do when she’s overstimulated and has been awake for five hours and I can’t crate her to force her to calm down.

Taking time away from her? My partner watched her for an hour and a half every day after work so I can decompress, and has watched her so that I can go out and be with friends, but there’s only so much my partner can do to help when he’s also taking care of my other two dogs, working, and doing all of the cooking and cleaning.

Therapy? My therapist suggested that I need to put myself first.

My mental health is worse than it’s been in years. I understand the puppy blues, but this goes beyond that at this point. I want to see her through to adulthood, but I cannot imagine feeling this way every day for 6+ more months. I cry for hours every day, I’m crying in work meetings, I’m having chest pains and stomach pains, I’m having other symptoms of severe depression come back. There is no way that’s just normal puppy blues.

I know it’s only been two weeks, but how far do I have to go before it’s okay to say I tried my best and it just didn’t work? At what point do I break my own heart and watch my sweet little girl find a new family? How low do I have to feel just to get her to adulthood?

 

[faithfulmommy]

@thejazzywriter Edit: I posted too quickly and wasn’t done!

It sounds like you’ve been trying a lot of things but it in truth hasn’t been long enough and she’s still very young. It’s going to take some time for some of these training tactics to kick in. The problem is that you are assuming that how things are now is how it’s going to remain. That is so far from the truth with a puppy. It took mine 10 months to settle down and I wanted to give up a few times before then. She is 2 now and still has her moments but is 99 percent better than she was when I first got her at nine weeks old. It sounds like you really wanted a dog, but not a puppy! So you just have to get through this first step!

Having said all that, if your mental health is that severely impacted by your puppy, then it might be best to rehome sooner than later. Did you get the puppy from a reputable place that will help you with rehoming?

 

[thejazzywriter]

@faithfulmommy That’s the thing that hurts so much. She’s incredibly smart and I know things will get better with time. But not being able to have her confined in any way has made every other aspect of training that much harder, and it’s not sustainable. I was ready for the work, but this is just an extreme level. Everything would be totally different if we had somewhere she could be safe for 10 minutes so I could make food or enforce naps.

I’m not sure if there is a filter on the posts here, because this one didn’t get approved at first, but it was when I had a fleeting suicidal thought (which I haven’t had since 5+ years ago when I got my other dog) that I recognized that this was more than just a “stick it out, it’ll get better” situation. My mental health is deteriorating quickly, and I just have to consider at this point that she might be better off with someone who can devote a lot of time to helping with her anxiety and spending 100% of their time with her, or maybe someone who has support from a larger family. I would do anything for my dogs, but each day just gets harder, I can’t imagine having more months like this without destroying myself in the process.

She came from a great breeder who will take her back if it comes to that.

 

[faithfulmommy]

@thejazzywriter That sounds really rough and you really shouldn’t be hard on yourself. You haven’t had her long enough for the impact to really be much for her. It will probably be harder for you! But if you have mental health challenges, that’s obviously much more important than anything else and you shouldn’t feel guilty doing what’s best for you.

But if you wanted to try to keep her, there’s probably some way to figure out the crate challenge. I have no idea what the recommendations are for this issue because I’ve never run into this. Hopefully someone else will chime in on that here that has some experience! Have you asked your vet? Sometimes they have surprisingly good tips. I have definitely run into extreme crying in the crate but I fixed that by sleeping next to the crate for awhile and gradually covering it with a blanket day after day inch by inch till it was fully covered and she couldn’t see me anymore. I also had a white noise fan on so she wouldn’t hear me leave the room. Kind of like you do with a new baby really! That’s how I got through that issue and then I enforce naps throughout the day so I could have some time for myself. If I hadn’t been able to crate her during those early weeks, I think I would’ve lost my mind. I had her in the crate usually from about 1 o’clock till 4 o’clock some days and she slept the entire time from what I could tell. I even went to a movie once lol! It seemed like a huge accomplishment at the time. Now it’s normal. Do you have a therapist? If you do, maybe you should reach out? I am speaking a lot from experience at this point because I have a family member who is going through some rough stuff right now, so I’m kind of in tune with all that at the moment.

I hope you are able to take care of you!

 

[thejazzywriter]

@faithfulmommy I really appreciate this. Our vet advised that we reach out to a trainer ASAP, so we’ve been working with one. He said her case is pretty rough because she has a lot of issues with impulse control, and is willing to harm herself to escape, so that makes it difficult. He suggested that our next step would be that if we don’t have luck with the bitter oil/spray, he would suggest having a piece of plexiglass cut to cover the wires on the crate door. That way, at least she can’t hurt herself as bad if we need to have her in the crate, but of course we still have to work on the source of the issue.

I do have a therapist and his advice was to do whatever’s best for me and for everyone in the scenario. I think of my two other dogs, who we rescued when they were each 1, who have amazing lives with us because their owners chose to rehome them when they couldn’t fully commit to them anymore. They are now so adored and are the perfect fits for our home. It made me more open to the idea that if things get too bad, it’s not inhumane to choose to let her find a home that’s more suited to what she needs. But you’re right, it would hurt me a lot more than it would hurt her with how young she is and how little time we’ve had her. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe it’s selfish that I want to hold on when deep down I know that it’s making me sick.

Man, it just hurts that we wanted this so badly and this is how it turned out. It’s not her fault, but if we didn’t have to worry about her injuring herself, it’d be such a different story. It’d still be hard, but we’d get through it. I know that she’s going to be an incredible dog, she’s so smart and her personality is adorable. But I just don’t know that this is sustainable.

Thanks for listening!

 

[natbrat321]

@thejazzywriter I know this might sound stupid but if you haven't tried it yet it might work. Have you ever tried playing puppy calming music or classical music while she's in the crate? I put in on YouTube on my tv and put the volume up and that's the ONLY way my puppy settled down the first two months. He hated his crate and would scream cry if in it but with the music he almost instantly calms down and falls asleep for his enforced naps. He's now 6 months and loves his crate, I started leaving it open at night but he still chooses to go in there for bedtime lol and I also still play the music for him every night, it honestly helps me fall asleep better too loll. Anyways whatever you decide I wish you and the puppy the best of luck! Puppy blues is no joke!!

 

[kassandravear]

@thejazzywriter I’ll be honest, it took me 5 months to feel better and 10 months to be happy with her. At almost a year she’s a totally different dog and I regret feeling so negative toward her. So if you think you can hold on then stay strong and you can do it

 

[ben86]

@kassandravear Give me strength. We got ours spayed 11 days ago, and I don't like her. I just want my baby back, not the drugged up girl who can't play with me or do walks. Tell me it.gets better.

 

[sweetcherryblossom]

@ben86 We are at 4 months will me Sheepadoodle and although we have really bad days, more good days occur between bad days so I know it’s improving.

 

[jessicastone]

@thejazzywriter We picked up our little terror when she was 13 weeks and had similar thoughts. I knew it would be difficult and time consuming but I was surprised at the level of mental strain and anxiety I had after suddenly becoming responsible for another living thing. I had trouble showering/eating/sleeping, lost 5 lbs in the first 3 days of her being home, more than one snippy argument with my partner…etc.

She is now 5.5 months and things have really changed a lot. We still have problems leaving her alone for any amount of time, but we are working on it. She will now go lay in another room and won’t panic if we wander around the apartment without her. Today she didn’t bark/whine when I left for work! Major step forward. She’s probably still the worst behaved puppy in puppy class, but every time she gets a little bit better. (Even if it’s just a tiny bit.) Since our work schedules have really gotten insane, she recently started at daycare a few days a week and that has really helped take the edge off since she comes home so sleepy! (I know that’s still a few weeks off for you, as most won’t take them until 4 months/necessary vaccinations, but it has really been great for her. Lots of energy/fun/time with other strangers and dogs.)

It took me at least a month to not feel like getting her was a huge mistake. Now it just feels like a minor mistake…but I know it won’t be forever. A taste of what it would be like to have children I suppose…. We will eventually get our lives back and be able to leave her and go out to dinner and a movie. But for now this is what we signed up for, and it’s been a learning experience for both of us on how to put her needs above our own. It’s been rough, but also rewarding. Every day feels like a new invitation for chaos, but I’m glad we are on the journey together.

I hope you consider sticking it out. I can see glimpses of the dog our puppy will become and I’m so excited to help her get there.

 

[thejazzywriter]

@jessicastone Thanks for sharing your experience! Best case scenario, the training starts to click with her. If we can just get her to that point where she isn’t hurting herself when we step away, even if we have to deal with her destroying things, it will totally change everything.

I really do hope we get there. I would hate to not have her around anymore. But we’ll see how things turn out. I know that even if we do have to part ways with her that she will find a family who loves her just as much as we do. Her personality is infectious, it’s impossible not to love her.

 

[drlp]

@thejazzywriter I saw you mentioned you were having suicidal thoughts as a result of the deterioration of your mental health from having the puppy. If that’s the case, I would recommend giving the puppy back to the breeder.

Puppies aren’t for everyone, and even for people who love puppies and love having puppies, they are still exhausting and exasperating at times - lots of times.

You may do better with an adult dog. Petfinder could help you find what you’re looking for, and there are breed-specific rescues for most breeds I can think of, if you like a certain breed.

I’m sure you love the puppy, and it will hurt and possibly feel like you failed (even though the real “failure” for lack of a better word is keeping a puppy when you know it’s not right. Suicidal thoughts are not something to take lightly as far as I’m concerned, but that’s just my opinion on it. You and your therapist know best for that one.
Wishing you peace no matter the decision

 

[thejazzywriter]

@drlp This comment really touched me. Thank you. I guess I’m downplaying it in my mind a bit because it was just a fleeting thought, but that’s still an issue and can escalate if I’m not careful. I thought it was just puppy blues at first, but it gets worse each day and it’s clear it’s escalated past that point. I think I’m just clinging too much to this thought I had that a dog should stay with you their whole life. I see now how black and white that way of thinking is.

It just sucks. If we choose to rehome her, I’ll miss my sweet puppy, even though it may be best for both of us. I’m really going to cherish these moments I’ve had with her no matter what happens.

If we do decide to take that route, I think I will really just enjoy the time with my two dogs. They’re such a source of joy for me. And maybe one day, we’ll be ready again for a new dog, and can take in another dog over 1 who needs a home. Doing it that way has always worked well for me, and I think I’ve learned from this experience that puppies may just not be for me, or at least not at this point in my life.

Wishing you well!

 

[drlp]

@thejazzywriter I get what you mean, about how some thoughts or feelings are like a signal to check-in with ourselves. And I totally get the desire to make good on a commitment. But it’s all a balance, and I think the balance can tip pretty far in one direction without really recognizing it. At least, I’ve found that. A lot of times it’s not until afterward that I’d be like, holy shit that was worse than I realized, even though I kinda knew it at the time.

Like others have mentioned, I really don’t think it will negatively impact the puppy. And it doesn’t sound to me like this is an impulsive decision at ALL, or made lightly. So I hope you feel really free to make the decision that’s right for you at this time, no matter what it is.

 

[thejazzywriter]

@drlp

 

[mrcjd3]

@thejazzywriter I was ready to give my puppy away 14 years ago and my daughter talked me into giving him another chance. I’m so happy I listened to her. He turned out to be the best dog ever!

 

[thejazzywriter]

@mrcjd3 Did you have any similar issues? The general consensus around here is that things get better if you figure out the root of your problem and solve it. But there’s nothing else I can really do to solve this without weeks/months of training with a professional to help her through it, which seems different from many of the posts here that say “sometimes you just have to let them cry for a few minutes” or “give them a stuffed Kong to keep them busy.” She’s harming herself.

 

[alexm961]

@thejazzywriter It's really hard those first few weeks. REALLY hard. Don't beat yourself up! It sounds like you have a tough pup. :/

 

[thejazzywriter]

@alexm961 Thank you! Man, I knew it’d be hard, but reality has really hit me these past couple of weeks haha. I wish I could go back in time and see how good I had it. There is nothing like finishing a long day of work and sitting in the middle of the couch with my two other dogs at my side. I get that for a little while after the puppy goes to sleep, while my partner is in the room playing games, and those are my only true moments of peace now. I want to go back to that being the norm.

I guess I’m making improvements in that I’m recognizing now that I’m feeling emotionally numb, which I know leads to harmful behaviors. I want to do everything I can to keep this puppy, but I’m just trying to accept that if I do everything I can do and it’s not enough, then that’s okay, too. As long as she’s taken care of and I do the right thing for both of us, that’s all that matters.